Beauty and the Joker
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Suggested by a guest reviewer, this is a version of the story of Beauty and the Beast featuring the residents of Arkham Asylum :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Beauty and the Joker**

The Joker entered the life size pillow fort he had built for his twin children to see his son, J.J., building something with construction toys and his daughter, Arleen, dressed in a princess costume and staring enraptured at the TV, which was playing a very familiar cartoon.

"This movie again, princess?" asked Joker, coming over to her. "You must have watched it a thousand times."

"It's my favorite," replied Arleen, not taking her eyes off the screen. "Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise…I love everything about it. Except for the ending."

"Why? What's wrong with the ending?" he asked, sitting down next to her. "As I recall, girl gets boy, and it's all happily ever after."

"Oh, that part's ok," said Arleen, shrugging. "It's just the part where the Beast changes into the Prince. I don't like that."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because Beauty didn't fall in love with the Prince – she fell in love with the Beast," retorted Arleen. "If I fell in love with a guy, and then he changed into a completely different-looking guy, I wouldn't like that at all. It's a mean trick to play on Belle."

"But the other guy's a handsome prince, sweetness," said Joker. "A lot better match for a beautiful princess than an ugly beast."

"But she doesn't love a handsome prince," replied Arleen. "She doesn't want that. She wants her Beast. Doesn't matter if it matches or not. She loves who she loves."

Joker smiled, ruffling her hair fondly. "You're your mother's daughter, Leenie," he chuckled.

"Why do you say that, Daddy?" she asked. "Of course I am."

"It's just an expression, kiddo – it means you're a lot like her," he said. "She loves a guy who…ain't your typical handsome prince."

"You're really handsome, Daddy," said Arleen.

"C'mon, Leenie, you gotta admit, I don't look like the other kids' dads," he said.

"I wouldn't want you to," she replied. "I love you, Daddy. I wouldn't love you if you were like the other kids' dads. You wouldn't be you then."

Joker shrugged. "There's people out there who'd think of me more as a beast than a prince, trust me, sweetheart."

"Well, if that's true, Beauty loved the Beast, and so does Mommy, and so do I," she retorted, hugging him.

Joker kissed the top of her head, and they watched the movie together. "Did it happen like that with you and Mommy?" asked Arleen at last, nodding at the screen.

"Not quite," said Joker. "There was an asylum and some lunatics and…it's kinda a long story."

"Tell me," said Arleen, gazing up at him with her mother's pleading, big, blue eyes.

Joker sighed heavily. How could he translate the story of his and Harley's courtship into a kid-friendly medium? And then he looked at the TV, and a slow smile formed on his face.

"Well, once upon a time…ain't that how these stories usually start?"

"Uh huh," said Arleen, settling into his lap and cuddling her princess doll. "You're doing great, Daddy."

"Once upon a time, there was a guy named…Jack."

"Is this the Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk, who killed the giant?" asked Arleen. "Or the Jack from Jack and Jill? Or Little Jack Horner? Or Jack Sprat? Or…"

"None of those, sweetness," he interrupted. "Though you gotta wonder why there were so many Jacks in nursery rhymes - kinda a common name, actually, and this guy was anything but common. So we'll call him J instead, and he lived in Gotham City with his friends. One friend was a woman called Pamela, very pretty with red hair, who loved gardening. Another was a friend called Harvey, who was a handsome man on the outside, but who had an ugly personality on the inside. He had a friend called Jonathan, who liked to scare people, and a friend called Jervis, who loved the book _Alice in Wonderland._ And they all lived in this big building just outside of Gotham called Arkham Asylum. It looked just like a castle, all turrets and steeples and high walls to keep people out, and to keep them all safe and protected inside.

And they all went about their lives quite happily until one rainy, cold, miserable night, when a woman came to the asylum.

"J, get the door!" shouted Pamela, not looking up from her gardening, as a loud knocking from the iron front doors echoed through the dark corridors of the asylum.

"What do I look like – room service?" demanded J. "I'm busy here!"

"Doing what?" she asked.

"Working," replied J, tinkering with his gag items and getting a pair of chattering teeth to explode suddenly. You see, this J liked to play pranks on people, like a clown. He really liked clowns – had them painted all over his room in the asylum, and because of this, he was nicknamed the Joker. "Get one of the nerds to do it!" he shouted.

"Jonathan, Jervis, the door!" shouted Pamela.

"My latest fear toxin is at a very delicate stage, Pamela!" snapped Jonathan. "I'm just testing its hallucinatory effect on animals, and I'm at a tipping point with the crows! I simply can't leave it for anything!"

"And I'm in the middle of my tea party!" retorted Jervis. "Where is Harvey? Can't he get it?"

"Screw all of you!" roared Harvey. "I'm above answering doors like a goddamn servant!"

The knocking was repeated. "Well, somebody had better get it!" snapped Pamela. "The knocking's annoying my plants!"

"Don't pretend like you can feel what they feel!" growled Harvey.

"I can!" snapped Pamela. "Unlike you, Harvey, I have feelings! Real, true feelings for all living things! Now if one of you doesn't answer the door, I'm gonna strangle you all with a noose of thorns!"

"Yes, somebody go – the knocking is interfering with my experiment!" snapped Jonathan.

"And it's a very loud distraction when one is trying to have a tea party," agreed Jervis.

Since Joker had finished the task at hand, and since the knocking came again, loud and annoying, he sighed, standing up and heading down the corridor. He pulled open the heavy iron front door to reveal a woman standing in the rain, her face hidden in a cloak and soaked to the skin.

"Whaddya want, lady?" demanded Joker.

"Just to come in out of the rain," replied the woman. "A little shelter is all I ask. In return for your kindness, I offer you this rose," she said, withdrawing a red rose bud from her robe.

"Do I look like the Plant Lady?" demanded Joker. "Why would I want a piece of crap like that? Flowers are sissy, girly stuff, and I'm kinda insulted you'd think I'd want one. And I don't help people who insult me. So beat it, toots."

"Please, sir – I beg you not to be deceived by appearances," she murmured. "Although I may look like a poor beggar woman with nothing to offer, true beauty is found within…"

"Yeah, yeah, spare me the lecture," retorted Joker. "I'm sure you got a great personality and all, but the answer's still no, toots."

"Sir…"

"You deaf, lady?!" roared Joker. "I said get lost! So do that before I test out my new exploding chattering teeth on you!"

He made to slam the door when the woman sighed heavily. "So be it, Joker."

"Wait, how do you know my name?" he demanded, but was suddenly blinded as the woman threw off her cloak to reveal the form of a beautiful woman, surrounded by glowing gold light, like a halo. She held a wand in one hand, and the rose in the other.

"I am the Enchantress Leland," she murmured. "And I have seen that there is no love in your heart. As punishment for this, you and all your friends will be transformed into the hideous, dark things that lurk in all your souls until such time as you, Joker, can learn to love another, and earn her love in return. This must be done before the last petal falls from this rose. Only then will the spell be broken. If it is not, you will be doomed to remain monsters for all time."

There was a blinding flash of light, and suddenly the Enchantress Leland was gone, leaving Joker alone.

A shriek suddenly came from Pamela's room. "Oh my God – what's happened?! My skin, it's gone green!"

"What did you do, J?!" roared Harvey, appearing suddenly with his hand over one half of his face. "My face! My beautiful face!"

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" asked Jervis, appearing slowly dressed in Victorian clothing, and an oversized top hat.

Another cry of alarm came from Jonathan's room. "What's happened to me?!" he cried. "I'm a…I'm a…scarecrow!"

"What did you do, J?!" screamed Pamela, storming out of her cell. She froze suddenly, staring at him in shock. "Oh my God…you're a clown!"

"What?" demanded Joker, racing to the mirror in his cell. A clown face stared back at him, bone white with grinning red lips and green hair. "No, no, no!" he shouted. "I used to be so gorgeous, and now I'm…I'm hideous!"

"Join the club!" shouted Jonathan, storming from his room with rags and straw clinging to him, and the face of a scarecrow.

"J, what happened?!" growled Harvey. "Explain this!" he shouted, removing his hand to reveal that one half of his face had been horribly burnt and scarred.

"Well…there was this…beggar woman who wanted to come in, and she offered me a rose, and I told her to get lost, and then she…she turned out to be an enchantress," said Joker, slowly. "But how was I supposed to know that? How was I supposed to know there are magical, morality police patrolling around randomly making sure people know how to love, and punishing them horribly if they don't? Honest mistake – could have happened to anyone."

"But it did happen to us!" snapped Jervis.

"How long do we have to stay like this?" demanded Jonathan.

Joker shuffled his feet. "She said…uh…something about…being stuck like this forever if…uh…the last petal falls from the rose, and…uh…I ain't found true love."

"True love?" repeated Harvey, growing furious. "You think a hideous freak like you can ever find true love?!"

"Pot to the kettle, Harv!" snapped Joker.

"Breaking the spell don't depend on my true love!" retorted Harvey. "We'll definitely be stuck like this forever - you'll never be able to make anyone love you!"

"Hey, I ain't such a bad guy!" snapped Joker. "I mean, sure, I've committed multiple homicides, treated death and pain and the suffering of others like jokes time and again, but there's gotta be a gal out there crazy enough to love all that, right? Pammie, how about you?" he asked, beaming at her. "You wanna be my true love?"

"Oh yeah, J," growled Pamela. "I'll be your true love. I got your true love right here!" she shouted, socking him in the jaw.

"Get him!" shouted Jonathan, as everyone began punching, hitting, kicking, and generally beating Joker.

"Woah, hey, guys, calm down! Let's not play the blame game, huh?" shouted Joker, trying to fend off the blows. "Making me uglier by bruising me up isn't helping me find my true love! You're only ruining your own chances, y'know!"

"Was Joker ok?" asked Arleen, concerned.

"Sure, he recovered from the beating eventually," said Joker, nodding. "But as the years passed, everyone at Arkham Asylum began to fall into despair, and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a clown?"


	2. Chapter 2

In another part of Gotham City, far away from Arkham Asylum, there lived a girl called Harleen Quinzel, but everyone called her Harley. She was a very pretty girl, with long golden hair and wide blue eyes, and she lived with her father in one of the poorer areas of the city. Harley was thought of as odd by everyone who met her, because she was a little shy and awkward and different from normal people, and she read everything she could get her hands on at the local library. But she didn't have any real friends except for her books.

One day she was heading home from the library, nose buried in a book, as usual, and not particularly looking where she was going, and she suddenly ran into someone climbing into a limousine.

"Oh…sorry," she said, smiling apologetically.

The man she had run into stared at her, and immediately put on a charming smile. "Oh no, my fault," he said. "Please excuse me, Miss…"

"Harleen Quinzel," said Harley. "But call me Harley, everyone does."

"My dear Harley, it's a pleasure to meet you," he said, bowing and kissing her hand. "I'm Bruce Wayne."

"Nice to meet you," said Harley. "And sorry about running into you again," she said, returning her attention to her book and heading off.

Bruce grabbed her arm. "Bruce Wayne," he repeated. "Of Wayne Enterprises. Billionaire philanthropist."

"Oh…that's nice," said Harley. "And I guess it explains why you got a limo."

"Can I give you a lift, Harley?" he asked, gesturing to it.

"Oh…no, thanks," said Harley. "My Dad told me never to get into cars with strange men."

"But I'm not a strange man," said Bruce. "We've just been introduced. And I'm kinda a celebrity, y'know."

"My Dad never told me to make any exceptions for celebrities," said Harley, with a nervous smile. "So no thanks, Mr. Wayne. I gotta get back anyway – he'll be worried."

"All the more reason why I should give you a lift," said Bruce. "You can get home to him faster."

"Thanks, but no thanks, really, Mr. Wayne," said Harley. "It isn't that far – I can walk…"

"I insist," said Bruce, grabbing her book suddenly. "It's not safe for a young lady to walk the streets of Gotham alone. Especially not one as beautiful as yourself, Harley, if you'll permit me to compliment you."

"Uh…thanks – can I have my book back please, Mr. Wayne?" asked Harley, reaching for it.

"It's Bruce, please," he said, pulling it out of her reach. "And you can have your book back after I give you a lift. Now that's fair, isn't it?"

It wasn't fair, thought Harley in annoyance – he was blackmailing her into taking a lift from him by holding her book hostage. But she wasn't about to let him keep it – it was her favorite, after all. So she sighed and climbed into the car, with Bruce following her.

"Harley, allow me to introduce my ward, Dick Grayson," he said, nodding at the other young man in the limousine.

"Hi," said Harley, waving nervously at him.

"Hi," replied Dick, smiling at her. "Can I offer you a glass of champagne?"

"Oh…no, thanks," she said. "I don't really drink. Especially not in cars with strange men."

"Where is it you live, Harley?" asked Bruce. "I'll just give Alfred the address."

Harley told him, and he frowned. "That's a rather run-down area of Gotham. It's hard to think of a lady as attractive as yourself having to reside there, Harley."

"Well, a world where pretty people got to live in pretty places, and ugly people got to live in ugly places would still be a crap world," said Harley. "People don't deserve anything just because they happen to be born attractive. I'm not sure what sorta messed up mind you have to have to think that. Beauty is only skin-deep, y'know, and people shouldn't be judged on superficial things like that. They should be judged on what's in their heart."

"Is that the sort of thinking you get from reading these books?" laughed Bruce, flipping the pages. "How can you even read this? There's no pictures!"

"Yeah, the only book you'll catch me reading is a comic book," agreed Dick.

"Well, some people use their imaginations," said Harley.

"Oh, I've got a good one of those, Harley, don't you worry," said Bruce, smiling at her. "I wonder if you can guess what I'm imagining right now," he murmured, sliding his hand onto her leg.

"I wouldn't like to speculate, Mr. Wayne," snapped Harley, shoving his hand away. "Please just keep your hands to yourself."

Bruce looked at her in a mixture of astonishment and fascination. "You're really not interested in me?" he asked. "Seriously?"

"As difficult as it must be for you to understand, Mr. Wayne, some women aren't interested in men just because they happen to be handsome or rich," snapped Harley. "I am one of those women. Any man I'd be interested in would have to have a brain, for starters, and would not blackmail a woman he just randomly met into riding in his car and having to endure his awkward and unwanted advances!"

She grabbed her book back from him just as the limousine pulled up in front of her apartment block. "Thank you for the lift – goodbye!" she snapped, opening the door and climbing out before the chauffeur could help her out.

She stormed up the steps to the apartment. "Harley!" called Bruce. She turned back around to glare at him. "It was very, very nice to meet you," he murmured, smiling at her. "If you change your mind or ever feel a little lonely, I stuck my card in your book. Give me a call sometime when you wanna replace the imaginary people in your book with a real warm body."

"Sorry you struck out, Bruce," said Dick, as the car drove off.

"Oh, I didn't," said Bruce, reaching for his glass of champagne and smiling. "She might play hard to get, but there's not a woman alive who's been able to resist me. If I keep at it, she'll relent eventually. I know where she lives now, after all."

"If I were you, I'd cut your losses and find someone else," said Dick. "There are plenty of women out there who want you."

"Yes, but Harley doesn't, and that's why I want her," retorted Bruce. "I enjoy the challenge. Plus she's the hottest woman I've ever seen, and that's saying something. I always get what I want. And I want Harley. And I will have her, Dick," he murmured, sipping his champagne. "Make no mistake about that."


	3. Chapter 3

Harley glared after the limousine, then opened her book. She found Bruce's card, ripped it up, and tossed the pieces into the gutter. She then entered the apartment building, heading up the stairs to the front door of her home. It was opened suddenly by her father.

"Harley, whose limousine was that you just got out of?" he asked in surprise.

"You spying on me now, Dad?" asked Harley

"It's a pretty big deal seeing a limousine around here," said Harley's father. "It's something you notice. And then when your daughter climbs out of it, you really notice."

"It was Bruce Wayne's," retorted Harley. "He gave me a ride home."

"Bruce Wayne?" repeated Harley's father. "Wayne Enterprises Bruce Wayne? The billionaire philanthropist?"

"Yeah, that's how he introduces himself too," sighed Harley. "Real unpleasant guy, though. He only gave me a ride home so he could try to make a move on me. Which I rejected, Dad, don't worry," she added.

"Well, I wouldn't actually mind you dating Bruce Wayne," said Harley's father. "The guy's rich. He could give you a whole new life, a great life. You could see the world with that kinda money, not be stuck in this dump."

"Yeah, I'd be stuck in an even bigger dump with a guy I couldn't stand," retorted Harley. "I've told you, Dad, money doesn't matter to me. I can already see the world through my books. And the only way I'd wanna see it outside of them is with someone I really loved, not some idiot playboy. You're the one who taught me that finding love was the only way to be truly happy in life. All of Bruce Wayne's money won't mean a thing if I don't love him."

"I know, sweetheart," sighed Harley's father. "I just kinda wish I could see you settled and happy and provided for. I ain't getting any younger, you know."

"Well, I'll be providing more than enough for myself and you soon enough," said Harley, hugging him reassuringly. "Assuming I get into the psychology program at Gotham University on that scholarship, of course."

"Speaking of that, you got a letter from them," said Harley's father, gesturing to an envelope on the table.

Harley picked it up, her hands shaking in nervousness as she tore open the envelope. She took out the letter, took a deep breath, and then unfolded it. Her eyes scanned the note, and she released the breath in a sigh of relief.

"I got it!" she cried, turning to her father and beaming. "I got in on the scholarship, all expenses paid! I'm going to college, Dad!" she shouted, leaping into his arms.

"Aw, honey, that's great news!" he exclaimed, hugging her fiercely. "I'm so proud of you! And Mommy would be too."

Harley felt tears come to her eyes. "I wish she was here to see this," she murmured.

"Oh, sweetheart, so do I," he murmured, stroking her hair. "But she's always here, in our hearts, as long as we love her. Nothing can take her away from us there."

Harley nodded, sniffling. "I'm so glad you're here too, Daddy," she whispered. "I dunno what I'd do if I lost you."

"Well, I ain't going anywhere, not for a long time," he said, firmly. "But you are, Little Miss College!" he added, beaming at her. "You're going places, and that calls for a celebration! C'mon, I'll take you out to dinner!"

"Daddy, we can't afford that," said Harley, wiping her eyes.

"We can tonight," he said, nodding. "I'm heading to Metropolis first thing tomorrow morning to meet with a client to sign over the deed for his new car. The money from that sale is gonna be more than enough to pay the rent this month, and treat you to a special celebratory dinner. As long as it ain't anyplace too fancy, of course."

"You know me, Daddy - I ain't a girl with fancy tastes," said Harley, kissing his cheek.

"You're your mother's daughter, all right!" he laughed.

"So you're gonna be home late tomorrow night?" asked Harley. "Should I make something you can heat up for dinner?"

"Nah, I'll eat on the road," he said. "Not that I don't trust your cooking, sweetheart."

"I've been getting better," retorted Harley. "But it's hard to be a good cook in comparison to Mommy."

"It sure is, sweetheart," he agreed. "Anyway, I'll probably be back long past dinnertime, and any decent person's bedtime. It's a long drive to and from Metropolis, you know."

"Well, I won't head to bed until I know you're safe home," said Harley, hugging him.

"Anything you want me to bring you back from the big city?" he asked.

"It ain't much bigger than Gotham," retorted Harley. "And nope, I don't want any present except you coming back to me, safe and sound."

"I promise, sweetheart," he said, kissing her forehead gently. "Now go get ready."

Harley skipped off to her tiny room, filled to the brim with books. There was a small mirror opposite her bed, and stuck to the glass was a picture of her and her father and mother, before her mother had died of cancer last year. The pain was still very raw, but the one upside of the horrible ordeal was that it had brought Harley and her father even closer together. He was all she had left now, and vice versa, and they were both desperately afraid of losing each other. Harley couldn't bear the thought of leaving him, which is why she had applied to go to college in Gotham, so she could stay at home with him while she studied. She wanted to get her degree in psychology and become a doctor, so her father could retire from selling cars, a job he hated and got paid very little for, and Harley could provide for both of them instead. And getting into the psychology program on a scholarship was the first step in making that dream a reality. She would do anything to keep her father safe and protected.

And very soon, she was going to have to.


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't like Bruce," said Arleen, bluntly, interrupting the story. "He's a bad, mean, nasty man."

"He sure is, sweetness," agreed Joker.

"I do like Harley, though," she continued. "She's nice and sweet. Although it's really sad that her Mommy's dead."

"Well, blame Disney," said Joker. "They got this dead parent obsession in all their movies – I'm just remaining true to the source material."

"Puddin', did you clean out the garage like I asked?" asked Harley, entering the pillow fort at that moment. Arleen climbed off Joker's lap and raced over to hug her tightly.

"Aw, hey, sweetie," cooed Harley, kissing her. "What's all this?"

"I'm just glad you're here, Mommy," murmured Arleen.

Harley picked her up, kissing her again. "Puddin', the garage?" she repeated, turning to Joker.

"I'm kinda in the middle of something here, Harl," said Joker.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" asked Harley.

"He's telling a story," said Arleen. "And it's a good story too, about how you and Daddy met."

"I'm not sure you're old enough for that story," said Harley, looking skeptically at Joker.

"Relax, pooh – I got it covered," he said. "Using the old Beauty and the Beast template."

Harley grinned. "Well, you are quite the sexy beast, puddin'," she purred, kissing him.

"Nah, you got it wrong, kid – I'm beauty, and you're the beast," chuckled Joker.

"I will be a beast if you don't clean out the garage," retorted Harley.

"C'mon, Mommy, let him finish the story," said J.J., not looking up from his construction toys. "I wanna hear the rest of it too. Besides, I'd rather you left all the junk in the garage. I can always find stuff in there that I need for my projects. It's like the Cave of Wonders."

"That's from _Aladdin_ , J.J.," retorted Arleen. "This story is _Beauty and the Beast_. Don't make Daddy switch halfway through."

"I'd rather hear _Aladdin_ ," muttered J.J. "That one has a giant snake fight at the end."

"Well, I can't promise giant snakes, but I'll try to make the battle at the end extra exciting just for you, J.J.," said Joker.

"Cool," said J.J., smiling. "Thanks, Daddy. Come on, Mommy, sit down and join us."

Harley sighed, sitting down next to him. "Well, I never could resist any of my beasts," she said, ruffling his hair fondly. Arleen resumed her seat in Joker's lap, and Joker resumed the story.

"So Harley's father headed off to Metropolis the next day to finalize that car sale. That all went off without a hitch, but that night on the drive back to Gotham, a huge storm suddenly hit. The rain came down so hard, it was like hail, and thunder and lightning seemed to be going off every other second. On top of all that, the engine on his car suddenly blew, and it veered off the road into a ditch. Harley's father climbed out, the wind howling around him and the rain lashing at him as he looked around for some help, or, failing that, some shelter.

He appeared to be on a deserted stretch of highway on the road to Gotham. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning illuminated a castle-like building perched on a hill nearby, all turrets and steeples and darkness. It didn't look like the most inviting place, but at least it was probably dry, he reasoned. And maybe there were people inside who would let him use the telephone to call for help.

He knocked on the iron front door, but it remained firmly shut. He wondered if he could even be heard over the howling of the storm, and tried to open it. It swung inward with an ominous creak, and he carefully stepped inside, pulling the door shut behind him.

He walked across the huge, stone floor of the entrance hall to deathly silence and complete darkness. "Hello?" he called, his voice echoing as the water dripped off him. "Is anybody here?"

There was no response, although it seemed to him that something slithered in the darkness behind him suddenly. He whirled around, but saw nothing but a potted plant leaning against the wall.

"Hello?" he called again. "Anyone? I just need to use your phone…if you got one…anybody?"

He was suddenly seized from behind, and whirled around to face his attacker…and his jaw dropped in shock when he saw that it was the plant, who had wrapped itself around him suddenly, trapping him and dragging him toward a giant pod that opened to reveal a human-sized venus fly trap…

"What's that you've got, my precious baby?" cooed a voice from the shadows. The lights flicked on to reveal a beautiful woman with green skin, who stared at the plant adoringly. "Is it a tasty morsel? A bad human trespasser? A scrumptious intruder to nourish you, my pretty darling?"

"Please, help me!" cried Harley's father, struggling against the plant. "I'm sorry for intruding – I didn't mean any harm! My car broke down in the storm and I was just looking for some shelter, and a way to call my daughter! Please let me go! She'll be so worried!"

He felt the plant stop pulling him toward the pod as the woman held up a hand suddenly. "This one's not for eating, my darling," she murmured. "Bring him," she said, snapping her fingers, and to his amazement, the plant followed her, dragging him along behind as she entered a room full of the strangest people Harley's father had ever seen.

Two of them sat playing a game of chess – one in Victorian clothes and a top hat, and the other in what looked like a scarecrow costume. The other two people lounged on the sofa – one was a man with half a face, who sat flipping a coin and catching it repeatedly, and the other was a clown, who appeared to be playing a Chinese finger trap on himself. In the center of the room was a rose, which appeared to be floating in a glass case. It looked like it had seen better days – it had clearly started to wilt, the petals gathered at the bottom of the case like fallen leaves.

They all looked up as the green-skinned woman entered, followed by the plant, which dropped Harley's father to the ground suddenly with a bump.

"What are you, nuts, Weed Lady?" demanded the clown. "He won't do! Remember, I don't swing that way, and even if I did, I think I could do better than this old guy!"

" _He's_ not for you, you idiot!" snapped the green-skinned woman. "But he's got a daughter."

Everyone in the room seemed to perk up at this, and they rushed over to Harley's father, who struggled slowly to his feet, staring around at them in horror.

"This daughter of yours," said the clown. "Is she hot?"

"Who cares?" demanded the scarecrow. "You can't afford to be picky at this point!"

"Hey, my true love's gotta be hot!" snapped the clown. "I refuse to accept her as my true love if she isn't!"

"You'll take what you can get and like it," snapped the man in the top hat. "Beggars can't be choosers, after all."

"Yeah, if she's a girl, she'll do, as far as I'm concerned," growled the two-faced man. "How are we gonna get her to come here?"

"Simple. We hold him for ransom," said the man in the top hat, pointing at Harley's father. "Say we'll take the girl in exchange for him. If she's a dutiful daughter, she'll make that sacrifice."

"What…do you want with my daughter?" stammered Harley's father.

"None of your business!" snapped the scarecrow. "She won't be any concern of yours anymore after she comes here!"

"Yeah, we'll be taking her off your hands permanently," said the two-faced man. "Assuming she comes here to save your sorry hide in the first place, which I doubt."

"But you'd better hope she does," said the green-skinned woman, nodding. "Otherwise we'll feed you to my babies like the others."

"All right, let's get to writing a ransom note," said the clown, looking around. "We'll need to cut some letters outta some magazines, that's how those are always done. And there have gotta be some magazines around here somewhere…what's your name, pal?" he asked, turning to Harley's father.

"George…Quinzel," he stammered.

"Right…so we'll need a magazine with the letters Q and Z," said the clown, slowly. "Not gonna be easy…"

"Oh, I'll just write it by hand!" snapped the scarecrow. "But we'll need his address so one of us can deliver it. What's your address?" he demanded of Harley's father.

Mr. Quinzel shook his head slowly. "No," he stammered. "No, I'm not letting you do this! I'm not gonna let my daughter come here to this den of…monsters! You can kill me if you want, but you won't hurt her!"

"You don't have a choice," growled the two-faced man, flipping his coin. It had two sides – one normal, and one scratched out. The scratched side landed face up in the man's palm, and he suddenly punched Harley's father in the face. While he fell back winded, the two-faced man reached into Mr. Quinzel's pocket and removed his wallet, taking out his drivers license with his address on it, and handing it to the scarecrow. "Get writing," he muttered.

"If you'd like some monogrammed stationery, I have that in my writing desk," said the man in the top hat, following the scarecrow out of the room.

"Pammie, show our guest to his room," growled the two-faced man, turning away from Mr. Quinzel.

"Oh, and if you find any chattering teeth in there, don't touch them!" called the clown as the plant dragged Mr. Quinzel away. "They explode!"

The plant deposited him in a cold, dank cell, slamming and locking the door behind him. It slithered away, leaving Mr. Quinzel alone. He looked around desperately for some way out, but the bars were thick and solid. At last, he gave himself up to despair, his mind running wild with a million horrible thoughts of what these monsters could want with his precious daughter.


	5. Chapter 5

True to her word, Harley remained awake all night, and her panic only increased as the hours passed and her father didn't return home. Morning arrived at last, and Harley was sick with worry, when a knock came on her door. That didn't help her calm down – her father had keys to get in. Someone knocking could only be someone like the police, to tell her her father had been in an accident, and was seriously injured or dead…

She opened the door in dread, which turned to annoyance when she saw Bruce Wayne standing there. "Mr. Wayne, what…are you doing here?" she demanded.

"Just thought I'd stop by," he said, smiling at her. "I brought you a gift," he said, holding up a wrapped box.

"That's…very kind, Mr. Wayne, but…I'm really not in the mood for a visit, especially not from you," she snapped. "Please just go…"

She tried to close the door, but he forced it back open, striding into the apartment. "Nice place you got here," he commented. "Y'know, considering the limited space."

"Thank you – please go," repeated Harley, holding open the door.

"You don't even want to open your present before I do?" he asked, smiling as he held out the box. "You'll want to thank me for it, I'm sure."

"No, I really don't!" snapped Harley. "Just get out!"

"Fine, I'll open it for you," he said, undoing the bow and taking off the wrapping paper to reveal a little black box. He opened this to reveal a huge, sparkling diamond ring.

"Yes, it is what it looks like," he said, beaming. "I wanted to ask you, Harleen Quinzel, if you'll marry me."

"Marry you?" repeated Harley, furiously. "I just met you yesterday!"

"Yes, and sometimes that's all it takes," he sighed. "True love, love at first sight, call it what you want. But I love you, Harley, and I want to marry you."

"Ok, well, I don't want to marry you," retorted Harley. "Now please just go!"

He approached her. "I'm a very rich man, Harley. As my wife, you could leave this cramped little apartment in this ugly area. I could get you anything you wanted…"

"I'm already getting everything I want!" interrupted Harley. "I'm going to college on a scholarship! I'm gonna be a psychiatrist, which is what I want, and I got there on my own, Mr. Wayne, by working hard and learning lots and standing on my own two feet!"

"But if you married me, you wouldn't need to go to college," he said. "You wouldn't have to work, or learn anything. You could spend your days in leisure, and looking after our brood of children, of course…"

"What part of no don't you understand?!" demanded Harley. "Believe me, when I do eventually have kids, as I hope I will someday, it won't be a brood, and it won't be with a guy who doesn't respect me enough to just take no for an answer! Now get out of my house!"

Bruce wasn't expecting her to actually shove him out, but he was taken by surprise when she did, slamming the door in his face. He stared at the closed door for a few moments in shock, then gave an angry growl, heading back down to his limousine.

"Marriage ploy didn't work, huh, Bruce?" asked Dick, lightly, as Bruce climbed in.

"No," he snapped, throwing the ring on the ground. "But don't worry, Dick. I'm not beaten yet."

…

About ten minutes after she had kicked Bruce out, there was another knock on Harley's door. She had been sobbing in despair and worry over her father, and was about to call the police, but at the knocking, fury suddenly ignited in her, and she threw the door open, screaming, "Just leave me alone, Bruce!"

But she was surprised to see no one there. She looked down to see a letter with no return address, and the words _For the daughter of George Quinzel_ written on the envelope.

She picked it up, hastily tearing open the envelope and reading the letter inside:

 _My dear Miss Quinzel,_

 _How do you do? We hope this letter finds you well. We're just writing to let you know that your father is currently being held hostage at Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, and if you would like to see him alive again, you must come here alone tonight and be prepared to take his place as our prisoner. This is a permanent exchange, meaning that you will never again leave the asylum and will remain here with us forever. If you do not agree to this, or if you try to inform the police, we will have no qualms in taking your father's life, but the choice is entirely yours. We hope this arrangement proves agreeable to you, and we look forward to meeting you tonight._

 _Kind regards,_

 _The Arkham Inmates_

Harley stared at the letter in incomprehension, slowly processing everything it said. She let out a sob of horror, sinking to the ground and bursting into tears again. But of course she already knew what her decision would be.

That night, as she walked out of Gotham City toward Arkham Asylum, her thoughts were half filled with concern for her father's welfare, and half with concern for herself. This deal meant she wasn't going to college, she wasn't going to be able to help her father retire, and she wasn't going to fulfill any of her dreams. Heck, the lunatics might just kill her the moment she arrived, and not even keep to their agreement – they were crazy and unpredictable, after all. But she didn't have a choice. She wasn't going to sacrifice her father's life just to give herself a chance to live. She wasn't that selfish.

She stood at last in front of the huge, iron door of Arkham Asylum, and knocked tentatively on it. It swung open with a creak, and Harley stepped inside to darkness.

"Hello?" she called, looking around. "It's…uh…Harleen Quinzel! I got your note, and I'm here to save my father!"

The lights snapped on suddenly, temporarily blinding Harley. When she opened her eyes, she saw a group of strange and terrifying-looking people standing in front of her, the same group of people that her father had seen last night.

They all stared at her in wonder. "She'll do, right?" demanded the two-faced man, turning to the clown.

"I dunno – what if I don't like her?" asked the clown, looking at Harley skeptically.

"What's not to like?" demanded the two-faced man. "She's semi-attractive…"

"Semi-attractive?" repeated the scarecrow, gazing at Harley. "She's…the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"

"Not too hard, considering you've probably just seen her and Pammie," muttered the clown.

"She's not for you, Jonathan," said the man in the top hat. "She's for J."

"A woman is not _for_ anyone!" snapped the green-skinned woman. "She's not an object! I mean, I'm hoping she's the one too, but she undoubtedly has her own preferences and desires in a man, and I'm willing to bet clown-faced moron isn't on the list!"

"Shut up, Pammie!" snapped the clown.

"Where's my father?" demanded Harley. "I want to make sure he's safe and sound before I agree to stay here forever."

The green-skinned woman nodded, snapping her fingers, and Harley watched in astonishment as a plant by the door suddenly stirred and slithered off down the hallway. It returned a few moments later dragging her father behind it.

"Daddy!" she exclaimed, racing over to him and embracing him. "Are you ok? Are you hurt?"

"Harley, you shouldn't have come here," he whispered, hugging her tightly. "I don't know what these monsters want with you, but I won't let them hurt you!"

"You don't have any say in the matter," retorted the green-skinned woman, snapping her fingers again. The plant ripped Mr. Quinzel away from Harley, dragging him toward the door. "You're free to go, as promised. Take him back to Gotham, my pretty," she said to the plant. "And see that he gets safely home. That was part of our bargain, and we may be monsters, but we keep our word."

"Wait!" cried Harley, racing after the plant. "Let me say goodbye to him!"

The green-skinned woman nodded, beckoning the plant back. "Make it quick," she snapped.

"No, Harley, let them kill me!" whispered Mr. Quinzel, seizing her again. "I won't let you do this! I won't let you sacrifice yourself for me!"

"I gotta, Daddy," she whispered, tears in her eyes as she buried her face in his shoulder. "I gotta. I love you so much, and I can't bear to lose you."

"You think I can bear to lose you?" he demanded. "I won't be able to cope when I think about you trapped in here, imagining what they could be doing to you…"

"Hey, I'll be ok," she whispered, with more confidence than she felt. She forced a smile. "Just think of it as me going places, Daddy."

"Harley, no, please…" he whispered, tears in his own eyes.

She kissed his cheek. "I love you, Daddy," she whispered.

"Harley, no! Harley! Harley!" he shouted, but the plant pulled him away and slammed the door shut after him.

Harley broke down in tears, her sobbing echoing off the walls of the asylum. At last, the man in the top hat cleared his throat. "Well…do allow me to show you to your room, my dear," he said, holding out a hand to her.

"You mean my cell?" demanded Harley, wiping her eyes angrily.

"No, I mean your room," he said. "I decorated it myself, very tastefully, I think. But I'd welcome your opinion. Do you like red? It always reminds me of painting roses for the Queen of Hearts…"

He continued to babble as he led her down a long corridor, at the end of which was Harley's room. The man in the top hat opened the door to reveal a beautiful, spacious room, decorated in red plush velvet and playing card designs.

"This is…beautiful," admitted Harley, grudgingly.

"Thank you, my dear," he said, bowing as he took off his hat. "I do my best."

He kissed her hand. "Jervis Tetch, at your service. As are we all here, my dear, your very humble servants. We're hoping you can be the one to save us, you see."

"Save you?" repeated Harley, puzzled. "From what?"

"The spell," he said. "We've been cursed for so many years. Admittedly my transformation wasn't particularly extreme, I was one of the lucky ones, but we're hoping at last we can finally break the curse, with your help. That's why we needed you to come here so desperately, and had to go to such extreme measures to convince you."

"How can I help you break a spell?" asked Harley in confusion. "I'm just a regular girl."

"We are fervently hoping you are not, my dear," said Tetch with a wry smile. "We are fervently hoping you are special."

A knock came on the door, and the clown entered. He cleared his throat. "Can I…uh…have a moment?" he asked, nodding at Harley.

"Of course," said Tetch, bowing once more at Harley and leaving. "Welcome to Arkham, my dear. I do hope your stay is a comfortable one, and do feel free to join us for tea at six."

The clown shut the door after him, leaving him and Harley alone. He cleared his throat. "So…uh…did Hatty explain things to you?"

"He explained that you all need my help to break a spell," retorted Harley. "But he wasn't specific as to how."

"Er…no," said the clown slowly, running his fingers through his hair. "It's a little awkward, y'see…uh…I have to find my true love."

Harley just looked at him. "That's the only way the curse can be lifted," he continued. "Me finding my true love. And it's been…uh…a lotta years that we've been cooped up in here, and people have stumbled across us, people like your dad, but never…uh…a girl. And I kinda need a girl to be my true love, being a heterosexual male and all. Whole thing probably coulda been over with a long time ago if I'd been gay!" he laughed. "Coulda just picked Harvey as my true love or something. I mean, there's Pammie, but she said no, so…anyway, you're a girl, and everyone's kinda hoping…myself included…that we just kinda…hit it off. Couldn't hurt to try, huh?" he asked, smiling at her and holding out his hand. "I'm J. But people call me the Joker."

Harley continued to stare at him in disbelief. "You think…making me stay here as your prisoner and forcing me to come here by holding my father hostage is a good way to make me love you?" she asked, quietly.

"Well, no, not really, but desperate times call for desperate measures," he said, shrugging. "And we're kinda running outta time, so…we did what we had to do. It ain't so bad here, and we're not such bad people, really. I mean, we can be, we're homicidal lunatics and all, but once you get to know us…well…we're not really such bad guys."

Harley slapped him suddenly across the face. "I am sick to death of being blackmailed!" she screamed. "And being manipulated and forced to do things I don't wanna do because of the whims of other people! You think you can just ruin my life and take me away from my family, and that I'll just magically love you for that?! What kinda crazy, sick, messed up mind do you have?!"

"Well, the shrinks say…" began Joker.

Harley slapped him again before he could finish. "Get this, pal!" she shrieked. "I don't love people who hold me prisoner, I don't love people who take me away from my father, and I don't love people who are crazy enough to think that forcing a woman to do things she don't wanna do is a great way to win her heart! I ain't never gonna love you, and I ain't never gonna help you break any stupid spell – you deserve to be cursed, you heartless monster! Now get outta my room!"

Like Bruce this morning, Joker also wasn't expecting her to literally shove him out, but she did, slamming the door in his face. He stared at it, and then headed slowly back down the hall to the Rec Room, where the others were gathered.

"Well? How did it go?" asked Two-Face.

Joker let out a heavy sigh. "We're doomed," he muttered.


	6. Chapter 6

Harley cried for what seemed like hours, until she couldn't find anymore tears. Then she wiped her eyes and headed out of her room, realizing that she hadn't eaten all day, and unless she wanted to starve to death, she would have to go out among the inmates again.

She heard voices coming from the room down the hall. Everyone looked up as she entered, and she glared around at all of them.

"Good evening, Miss Quinzel," said Tetch, smiling at her and standing up. "I trust you've found your room comfortable?"

"Yes," she retorted. "I only left it because I was hungry."

"Well, tea will be ready very shortly," said Tetch. "I'll just go check on it, actually. Excuse me," he said, heading to the kitchen.

Harley took a seat away from the others, deliberately avoiding the Joker's gaze. She noticed some books on a nearby shelf and picked one up, trying to distract herself from her horrible predicament.

"My dear Miss Quinzel, do allow me to introduce myself," said a voice. She looked up and started back to see the scarecrow standing in front of her – he had a shocking face up close.

"My name is Jonathan Crane," he said, bowing and kissing her hand. "And please believe me to be your very humble servant."

"What…happened to your face?" stammered Harley.

"Part of the spell, my dear lady, I'm afraid," he sighed. "I was cursed to be a scarecrow because of my fascination with fear."

"Fear?" repeated Harley. "I didn't know that was a very complex topic."

"Oh yes, my dear," he said, warmly. "Its causes and effects are most interesting – I can give you a detailed lecture on…"

"Don't bore her to death, Johnny," interrupted the green-skinned woman. "She's the only hope we've got right now."

"Fear is not boring!" snapped Crane. "You're not bored, are you, Miss Quinzel?"

"No, I…enjoy learning new things," said Harley, slowly. "I read a lot and…was hoping to go into psychology, actually."

"Were you?" asked Crane, his interest growing by the minute. "I majored in psychology myself."

"Many, many years ago," agreed Two-Face.

"Oh, do shut up, Harvey!" snapped Crane. "I'm not that old!"

"Just stop trying, Johnny," growled Two-Face. "First of all, it's pathetic watching you try to flirt, and second of all, she's for J."

"Nah, she's a nerd dame, Harv," muttered Joker. "I wouldn't want a nerd dame anyway."

"And I wouldn't want some idiotic clown who frowns on education!" snapped Harley. "Let's get one thing straight – I may be a prisoner here, but I have no intention of having any kind of romantic relationship with that man," she said, pointing at Joker. "I'm sorry you all have to suffer because of that, but I will never love him, not in a million years!"

"Well, we ain't got a million years, toots!" snapped Joker. "Y'know, I tried to be nice to you, but from now on, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy! I ain't gonna beg some dame to love me, and if you can't see what a great catch I am, then I don't want you anyway, because you're obviously a dumb blonde!"

"I got into college on a full scholarship!" shrieked Harley. "I'm not dumb! But because of you monsters, I will never be able to go to college, or get my degree, or do anything I wanted to do with my life, because I'm locked up in this place forever! So I hope you're all happy with ruining my life!"

She felt tears come to her eyes again, and she wiped them away firmly, looking back down at her book. The green-skinned woman came over to her, sitting down next to her. "J ruined all our lives too," she sighed, glumly. "It's his fault we're all cursed. I mean, there are some benefits to it for me – I can actually talk to my plants, which is great. But the green skin is definitely not a good look for me."

"Yeah, gee, it sure would be hard to be cursed with a deformity that completed obliterated your attractiveness," muttered Two-Face.

"It's not a competition, Harvey!" snapped the green-skinned woman, glaring at him. "I'm Pamela Isley, by the way, but call me Poison Ivy. And the guy sulking over there is Harvey Dent, but we call him Two-Face, because he hates it."

"Because I had a good life and a good job before my face got like this," muttered Two-Face. "And now I'm just another cursed freak, thanks to J."

"Look, for the last time, that curse coulda happened to anybody," snapped Joker. "If one of you losers had answered the door instead, we could all be blaming you for this right now!"

"But we didn't," retorted Ivy. "You did. Anyway, you're the one who doesn't know how to love. At least I love my babies."

"Dinner is served," said Tetch, re-entering the room. "Do allow me to escort you to the dining room, Miss Quinzel."

Tetch pulled out a chair for her at the table. "I'm sure she can do that herself," said Joker. "Nothing wrong with her arms, Hatty."

"It's called manners, Joker," sighed Tetch. "Not that you'd know a thing about that. As is serving guests first," he snapped, slapping Joker's hand away as he reached for a plate of food.

"Y'know, I'm getting real sick of being slapped tonight," growled Joker.

"Then maybe you should start acting like a gentleman, rather than a complete barbarian," retorted Tetch, placing the plate down in front of Harley. "It also couldn't hurt your attempts to woo Miss Quinzel."

"I ain't attempting anything of the kind," retorted Joker, digging into his meal. "She's made her opinion of me pretty clear."

"Can you blame me?" asked Harley. "Or do you have hidden depths and attractive qualities that I'm not yet aware of?"

"Sure," he retorted. "I got lots of attractive qualities! Don't I, guys?" he asked the room at large.

Everyone was silent, and Crane coughed loudly. "Guys?" repeated Joker. "Guys! You're just hurting yourselves here! Someone say something nice about me!"

"I'm honestly trying to think of something," said Tetch, stirring his tea. "It's very difficult."

"He's got…a sense of humor," said Two-Face, slowly. "Women like that, right?"

"Yeah, dames love that!" exclaimed Joker. "They're always going on about how they want a man who can make 'em laugh!"

" _Can_ you make me laugh?" asked Harley, cutting up her food.

"Sure I can!" he retorted. "Got a million jokes just floating around in my head – that's why they call me the Joker! Here's a great one for you – what happened when the blonde got cancer?"

"Joker, no…" began Crane.

"She got chemo and her IQ went up!" chuckled Joker.

Harley put down her fork, and then picked up her plate. "My mother died of cancer last year," she whispered. "So I don't much care for your sense of humor."

"Oooh…awkward," said Joker. "Sorry, I didn't know that - I just meant for it to be a dumb blonde joke…"

"Yeah, because obviously I'd love those being blonde myself," said Harley, rolling her eyes. "If you'll excuse me, everyone, I'm just going to finish eating in my room. I'd like to be alone."

She left, and everyone rounded on Joker angrily. "You idiot, what the hell were you thinking?!" roared Two-Face. "Why would you even go with a dumb blonde joke?!"

"It was the first thing that popped into my head!" retorted Joker. "I'll do better next time…"

"It doesn't matter – you've already blown it," growled Ivy, picking glumly at her dinner. "She's never gonna like you, let alone love you, and we're gonna be stuck like this forever. Might as well just get used to the idea."

This understandably put a dampner on the evening, and everyone finished their dinner in silence.


	7. Chapter 7

Harley woke up late the next day to a knocking on her door. For a moment, she forgot where she was and what had happened, and looked around in confusion at the huge, beautiful room. Then her memories came flooding back, and she held back tears as she sat up. "Just a second!" she called, dressing.

She opened the door to reveal Crane standing there with a stack of books in his arms. "Good afternoon, Miss Quinzel," he said, smiling at her. "I recalled what you said last night about your love of reading and your desire to learn psychology, and I was wondering if I might take the liberty of teaching you, since you're unable to attend university at this point in time. I used to be a college professor myself, so I have some experience with students, and I thought it might be an agreeable way to pass the time for you, since you're to be with us for the foreseeable future. It'll be an informal qualification, of course, but it's better than nothing."

"Oh…thanks, Professor Crane," said Harley, surprised. "That sounds great, actually. At least I'll get to learn something."

"Excellent," he said, beaming. "Here's some reading for you start with," he said, dumping the pile of books into her arms. "I suspect the field has changed throughout the many years I've been cooped up in here, but a strong, solid foundation in the basics is important. I'll leave you to it – call me when you're done," he said.

Harley shut the door and dumped the pile of books on the floor. Then she picked up the top one and sat down on the bed to read it. She was interrupted a few moments later by another knock on her door.

"Did you forget one, Professor…" she said, opening it, but her face fell when she saw the Joker standing there instead, smiling and holding a tea tray.

"Just wanted to apologize for last night, toots," he said, holding out the tray to her. "Hatty suggested bringing you some tea as a little peace offering."

"Oh…thanks," said Harley, holding open the door. He put it on the table inside her room, looking around and whistling.

"Boy, Hatty don't do subtle, does he?" he chuckled. "Y'know, I think he might have a slightly disturbed mind, to be this obsessed with one thing!"

"You would know," said Harley, dryly. "Thank you for the tea," she said, nodding at the open door.

"Whatcha reading?" he asked, ignoring her dismissal of him and picking up the open book.

"Psychology textbooks," replied Harley. "Professor Crane has offered to teach me."

"Looks kinda dry and boring," he commented, flipping the pages. "You wanna get to know broken minds, you can't find that kinda stuff in a book. You gotta talk to one."

"Like you?" asked Harley.

"Sure, if you wanna talk," he said, shrugging. "Or we could go for a walk, maybe. It's kinda nice outside, for Gotham. I mean, it's cloudy, but at least it's not raining."

"No, thanks," she said. "I'd rather do some reading."

His face fell. "Gee, hurt my feelings like that," he muttered. "You'd rather read a buncha boring, academic crap than go for a walk with me?"

"That's right," agreed Harley. "And I don't really care about your feelings, just like you didn't care about mine when you trapped me here."

"Well, yeah, I'm a bad guy," he agreed, shrugging. "But you're meant to be better than me. Y'know, so you can teach me how to love…"

"I'm not going to teach you anything!" snapped Harley. "Especially not that! Now please get out of my room before I have to throw you out again!"

"Ok, ok, I'm going," he said, heading for the door. "And you look really nice in that top, by the way. Matches your eyes," he said, turning to smile at her. Harley said nothing, but slammed the door in his face.

Joker sighed, pulling out the list from his pocket. "Giving her stuff doesn't work," he muttered, crossing out a line. "Neither does suggested leisure activities or compliments. Jesus, what's wrong with this dame?" he asked, putting the list away. "Just my luck that this is the one we get stuck with – we couldn't have blackmailed a more normal girl?"

He headed back to the Rec Room, where the others were gathered. "Did you make up with Harley?" asked Tetch.

"Nah, your tips didn't work," retorted Joker, throwing the list at him. "Got any other great pieces of romantic advice, Mr. Perpetually Single?"

"I have one," said Ivy, who was watering her plants.

"Oooh, this is going to be enlightening!" sighed Joker, sarcastically.

"Find out her interests," continued Ivy. "And take an interest in them. If you bond over common ground, it's much easier to plant the seeds of romance in it. I mean, the less you think of her as a challenge to be met or an object to be won, and more as a human being with likes and dislikes, it'll be easier to get along with her."

"No, she ain't easy to get along with whatever I do," growled Joker. "She's a difficult dame. Uppity, high-strung, no sense of humor…"

"Well, at least you liking her ain't a problem," commented Two-Face.

"I don't like her!" snapped Joker. "I mean, she's pretty, I guess, but it takes more than that to be my true love!"

"It would probably take mental health problems, for a start," commented Crane, who was devising a list of questions for Harley after she was done reading.

"You stay outta it, nerd!" snapped Joker. "And stay away from Harley, huh? Unless you wanna be a scarecrow forever, she ain't for you! And she wouldn't be for you anyway if you stayed a scarecrow forever, because no dame could love a scarecrow!"

"I am merely trying to make the girl's stay here a pleasant one by indulging her interest in psychology!" snapped Crane.

Joker snapped his fingers. "Wait, that's it!" he exclaimed. "She's got an interest in messed up minds, and mine is the most messed up mind out there! I just gotta prove that to her, and I'll be a mental case she can't refuse! I gotta do something really reckless and crazy in front of her that'll leave her no choice but to be fascinated by my insanity!"

"Joker, I'm really not sure that's the best way…" began Tetch.

"Pammie just said I gotta indulge her interests!" protested Joker. "And a gal who's interested in craziness has gotta be interested in the King of Crazy! I just gotta show her that's who I am! I gotta really get her attention in the most obvious and dangerous way possible!"

"No, Joker, please!" begged Tetch. "If either you or her are killed, we'll never break the spell!"

"But J will be dead," said Ivy, thoughtfully. "So there's that upside, I guess. Might be worth it."

"Sneer all you like, Pammie, but I got a good feeling about this!" chuckled Joker. "If Harley's gonna be my true love, I gotta win her on my own terms. And in that spirit, I'm off to go build a death trap! Toodles!"

Two-Face sighed heavily. "Thinks trying to get a girl killed is gonna win her heart," he muttered. "J was right – we're doomed."


	8. Chapter 8

"Harley won't end up hurt, will she?" asked Arleen in concern, breaking in on the story.

"No, princess, not in any permanent way," said Joker, reassuringly. "I mean, reckless endangerment can be dangerous – that's why it's called reckless endangerment, after all. And you kiddies definitely shouldn't try it at home. But in the confines of a safe, fictional environment, pretty much anything is a good idea. Also, if you're crazy, pretty much anything is a good idea, and the Joker was definitely crazy."

"I feel kinda bad for him," spoke up J.J. "He's clearly trying his hardest to get Harley to like him, but she keeps being mean to him."

"Well, you can't force a girl to like you, J.J.," said Joker, shrugging. "And sometimes they act in ways that don't make a lotta sense objectively."

"And so do guys," agreed Harley. "Just look at your father."

"It is kinda sad, though," said Arleen. "Joker being rejected by Harley. I hope if he keeps trying, Harley will grow to love him. He seems nice and he deserves to be loved, unlike Bruce."

"And the others deserve to get the spell broken," agreed J.J. "They didn't do anything, after all, and they were still cursed. That doesn't seem fair."

"Well, when you get a little older, you'll realize life ain't fair, J.J.," said Joker, nodding. "But frankly, it wouldn't be a whole lotta fun if it was. If everything was fair and equal, there wouldn't be any room left for a little chaos, and that's where the fun starts."

"C'mon, Daddy, what happened next?" asked Arleen eagerly.

"Well, Harley was still reading in her room later when there was another knock on the door. She sighed, sick of being interrupted, and opened it.

"What?" she demanded, but no one was there. "Hello?" she said, looking around. "Professor Crane? Mr. Tetch? Is anybody…"

But she shrieked suddenly as a bag was forced over her head, and then she was seized around the waist and dragged off. She screamed and struggled against her attacker, but the sound was muffled by the bag, and whoever had grabbed her had a strong, firm hold. The bag over her mouth restricted her breathing, and she passed out from lack of oxygen.

She woke up to darkness. The bag had been removed, but she appeared to be in a windowless, airless room in the asylum. Her head ached from her fainting spell, and she suddenly felt a weight against her chest…

And she experienced a jolt of horror when she looked down to see that this was because a vest of chattering teeth explosives was strapped to it, primed to go off, and counting down from sixty seconds.

"They're ingenious, aren't they?" said a voice, proudly. "I invented them myself."

"Joker…what the hell are you doing?!" shrieked Harley. "Get this offa me right now!"

He chuckled. "Actually, I think it'll be more fun if you figure out how to either disarm them, or get outta the vest yourself," he said. "That's a real challenge for you, toots, not just reading some dusty books! And smart girls like challenges, right?"

"You think…I _like_ being kidnapped from my room and rigged to explode?!" shrieked Harley, furiously.

"I think you're the kinda girl who's interested in adventure, excitement, and danger," said Joker, nodding. "And in extreme personalities! That's why you wanna learn psychology, right? So you'll get to meet all sorts of crazy people? Well, I'm the craziest guy you'll ever meet, toots! And now I'm proving it to you! So c'mon, get outta the vest! I know you can figure it out, a clever girl like you!"

"Joker, this isn't funny!" screamed Harley, who was trying not to panic as the seconds counted down. "You have to stop this right now!"

"No, _you_ have to stop it," he said. "I believe in you, Harley! You got this, kid!"

Harley struggled, desperately trying to disarm the bombs or wriggle out of the vest, but it was secured like a straightjacket, and all the buttons she could press on the teeth didn't stop them from counting down.

"Joker, stop this!" she screamed, as the seconds got down to single digits. "Now! Please!"

"Ok, hang on," he sighed, pressing a button on the back of one of the teeth. Which did nothing – the seconds continued to count down. Joker frowned. "C'mon, it's supposed to work…" he muttered, pressing it again.

"You can't turn it off?!" screamed Harley.

"No, but don't panic…" began Joker.

"Don't panic?!" screamed Harley. "We're both gonna die!"

"Just stay calm, kid!" shouted Joker, scrambling with the buckles on the vest. "And be still!"

They were entering the final five seconds, and Harley squeezed her eyes shut, preparing for oblivion…

And then the Joker ripped off the vest, sending it flying into the far wall. It exploded in a blaze of fire and rubble, making the wall and the ceiling it supported tumble down with it. Harley screamed as bricks and mortar headed right for her…and then the Joker jumped in front of her, shielding her with his body as the structure surrounding them collapsed.

Harley coughed, choking on the dust as she gradually opened her eyes. Joker reached into his jacket, striking a match as he looked around. "Where the hell are we?" gasped Harley, looking up at the roof of debris over their heads.

"Under the asylum," said Joker, slowly. "There are a million branches of tunnels down here from the old sewer system. It's like a maze."

"But you know the way out, right?" asked Harley.

"Um…I'm sure we can find it," he said, smiling at her. "We got nothing but time, after all."

She stared at him. "You expect us to just wander around a maze of tunnels just hoping to find a way out? We could get hopelessly lost and die down here without some sort of guide! What about Ivy? She can talk to plants who have roots down here – maybe they could show us the way out…"

"And how are you planning on talking to her?" asked Joker. "Nobody knows we're down here. The room I took you to was soundproof because I didn't want anybody interfering in the joke."

"The joke?" repeated Harley. "The joke to strap me in explosives and hope I figured out how to escape before they blew up?"

"That's the one!" chuckled Joker. "Sorry about the off switch not working, but you gotta admit, that added an extra layer of comedy…"

Harley punched him in the face. "You nearly got us both killed for a joke!" she shrieked. "And now you've got us both trapped down here with no way out! How on earth can you possibly think that's funny?!"

"Well…it's funny that the joke didn't pan out quite how I expected," said Joker, slowly. "But it worked in that it got the two of us spending more time together! Got no choice but to hang out here, huh? Can't choose your books over walking with me this time!" he laughed.

"Look, you idiot, forcing me to spend time with you by endangering my life isn't going to make me like you anymore than forcing me to stay in the asylum in exchange for my father's life is gonna!" shouted Harley. "You can't take away a woman's free will and expect that that's just gonna make her do what you want her to do! Jesus, you and Bruce Wayne must have the same mental disorder!"

"Bruce Wayne?" repeated Joker. "I ain't got nothing in common with that spoiled, rich twit!"

"You do," retorted Harley. "Your total disrespect of my choices and opinions, for one thing. He didn't take no for an answer when I told him I wasn't interested in him either."

Joker stared at her in surprise. "Gee, I kinda thought…all dames would want a guy like that, handsome and rich…"

"All women aren't the same!" snapped Harley. "And I want a little more in a man than just handsome and rich!"

"Yeah? Like what?" he asked, interested.

"Never mind," growled Harley. "It doesn't matter. We'll probably die down here, so I don't need to worry about the kinda man I want anyway."

"Sounds to me like you're just impossible to please," retorted Joker. "You don't want Bruce Wayne, you don't want me, what do you want?"

"I want a guy who can treat me with respect!" snapped Harley. "Who doesn't try to kill me as a joke! Who really values me, as a person, for who I am, not just for my looks or because I'm the only woman who's ever come to the asylum! A man who gets me and understands me, in a deeply personal, unique way! A man who would sacrifice everything he had for my happiness. That's what love is, J! And I want a man who loves me, truly loves me! You're not the only one in the world desperate to find true love, y'know!"

She glared at him, and then headed for one of the tunnels. "Anyway, I guess we both won't ever find our true love now," she muttered.

"Maybe," he agreed, following her. "Or maybe they're closer than we think."


	9. Chapter 9

Bruce Wayne's butler, Alfred, opened the front door in response to the incessant knocking. "May I help you, sir?" he asked.

"Yeah, hi, I need to speak to Bruce Wayne, please?" said George Quinzel, looking flustered.

"And may I ask who's calling?" said Alfred.

"It's George Quinzel…uh…Harleen Quinzel's father," said Mr. Quinzel. "I don't know if he's mentioned her to you, but he gave her a ride home a few days ago in his limousine…"

"Ah yes, the young lady who lives in the unsavory part of Gotham," said Alfred, nodding. "Yes, I was reluctant to drive Mr. Wayne's limousine there – the sort of people in that neighborhood have probably killed for less. No disrespect meant, of course, sir. Please do come in, Mr. Quinzel," said Alfred, holding the door for him. "Mr. Wayne is in his study – follow me."

"Sir, a Mr. George Quinzel to see you," said Alfred, opening the door to Bruce's study. Bruce had been watching television, flipping channel after channel in the hopes of finding a news story about himself, because he was just that vain.

"You must be Harley's father," said Bruce, turning around and beaming at him. "Has she reconsidered my offer of marriage?"

"Offer of…um…no, that's not why I'm here," stammered Mr. Quinzel. "I'm here because my daughter is in trouble. She's been kidnapped."

"Kidnapped?" repeated Bruce. "I'm not the police…"

"I already went to them," said Mr. Quinzel, nodding. "But they said they won't attack Arkham because their men can't fight the kinda threat that lives there. They said it's supernatural stuff that they're not equipped to deal with. But I can't just leave my daughter in the hands of those maniacs! I'll go back alone if I have to, and die trying to save her, but I just thought…if you really cared for her, you would help rescue her too."

A slow smile formed on Bruce's face. "Rescue?" he repeated. "You mean charge in there, guns blazing, that kinda heroic stuff?"

"I'm not sure if guns will work on the monsters, but I'm willing to try anything," said Mr. Quinzel. "I can't give up my daughter. And a rich guy like you will be able to be a real threat, mount a whole assault on that place, and take my daughter back by force. If the police won't act to stop crime and bring the perpetrators to justice, then they're forcing citizens to take the law into their own hands. But somebody's got to do something."

"Yes!" exclaimed Bruce. "Yes, you're right! Somebody's got to do something, somebody's got to step up and be the hero Gotham deserves, and the one it needs right now! And that somebody will be me, because I'm rich enough to do it! And after I save Harley, she'll be sure to love me, because everybody loves a hero! This is perfect! Dick!" he shouted, calling for his ward.

"Yeah, Bruce?" asked Dick, entering the room.

"I need a costume! And find one for yourself too! Heroes need a good look, something cool and scary that will strike fear into the hearts of criminals! Mr. Quinzel, do you want a costume too?" he asked.

"Er…no, thanks," said Mr. Quinzel, slowly. "I kinda just wanna rescue my daughter as soon as possible…"

"Of course we will," said Bruce, reassuringly. "But there's no point to heroics if you're not gonna do them in style! I wonder what kinda costume would be best. What's a really scary animal?"

"Uh…a bat?" suggested Mr. Quinzel.

"Yes!" exclaimed Bruce. "Yes, that's perfect! I'm going to be…the Batman!"

"You really think…dressing up in a bat costume is the best way to rescue my daughter?" asked Mr. Quinzel, wondering if he hadn't made a mistake getting Bruce involved. But it wasn't like he had a choice.

"Yes, I do," said Bruce, firmly. "I think it's a great idea, and I'm really glad you suggested it!"

"I didn't…" began Mr. Quinzel.

"Never fear, Mr. Quinzel," interrupted Bruce. "Your daughter will be back home very soon. The Batman will see to it!"

"C'mon, puddin', Bruce Wayne as Batman?" interrupted Harley in reality, breaking in on the story. "I know this is a fantasy story with curses and enchantresses and stuff, but that's really ridiculous!"

"What, you buy magic but you don't buy that?" asked Joker.

"Nah, it's too unbelievable," said Harley, shaking her head. "You gotta have some basis in reality, even in a fantasy story. And making that idiot playboy billionaire into the World's Greatest Detective just doesn't work."

"I happen to enjoy the limitless possibilities for storytelling that the fantasy genre provides," retorted Joker. "And trust me, this works. You'll see."

Harley rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, puddin'."

"It's not the most unrealistic possibility," spoke up J.J. "I mean, it would explain why Batman has so many weapons and gadgets and things, if he's a billionaire. He can afford to spend his money on stuff like that."

"See? It ain't that unbelievable," retorted Joker.

"If Bruce Wayne is as bad a guy as he is in this story, then it makes sense for him to be Batman, who's also a bad guy," said Arleen, firmly. "Because whoever Batman really is, he's definitely a bad guy."

"You got that right, princess," said Joker, kissing the top of her head. "And the scariest thing about him is that most people can't see that. Most people think he's a hero. Most people idolize and adore some bullying thug, while making the people who oppose him seem like monsters. And if people call you a hero for long enough, you begin to believe it. Just like if people call you a monster."

"Unless you got other monsters who love you," reminded Harley. "Because it ain't about how the world sees you. It's about how you see yourself. And you're always gonna find at least one person who thinks you're as special as you really are. Like how your Mommy and Daddy see you both."

"So that's why the Enchantress Leland cursed Joker and the others?" asked J.J. "So they could stop seeing themselves as monsters by learning to love themselves, and having somebody love them for who they really are? Because if J finds his true love, he can't really be all bad."

"Well, I ain't gonna spell out the moral for you, J.J. – this ain't one of those stories," said Joker. "The great thing about fairy tales is that people take their own morals from them. I mean, some people see the story of Beauty and the Beast as kinda a bad message for people, but they're idiots who don't get it. It's about the transformative power of love, and about what makes a person a hero, and what makes a person a beast, and how that's sometimes not the people you expect, and not the way round you think it should be. It's about how beauty is more than skin deep, and about how love is for everyone, not just pretty people. It's about how even if the world sees you as an outcast, you can always find another outcast who thinks you're just the greatest. And it's about how sometimes, even monsters deserve love, and happy endings."

"This story does have a happy ending, huh, Daddy?" asked Arleen. "With Harley and Joker living happily ever after, and the curse being broken and everything, huh?"

Joker smiled. "You'll just have to wait and see, princess."


	10. Chapter 10

Back in the story, Joker and Harley wandered through the tunnels underneath Arkham Asylum. "I think I've found something!" said Harley at last.

"What?" asked Joker. "A way out?"

"Maybe," she said, kneeling down by the underground stream. "It's water, and it's flowing somewhere. We follow it, and we might find its source outside."

"Good thinking," he said, nodding.

"Thanks," said Harley. "Thinking is something I do a lot of, so I'm pretty good at it."

"You don't have to be so sarcastic all the time, y'know," muttered Joker. "I said I was sorry I got us into this mess. I don't know what else I can do."

"You can promise me that in future, you won't try to get me to like you," retorted Harley. "Because your ideas for that are terrible."

"I just kinda thought my true love would be into the same kinda things I am," said Joker, shrugging. "And you being interested in crazy – I thought it would be a good way for us to bond."

"I'm not your true love, for the last time," said Harley.

"How do you know?" he asked. "You won't even give us a chance…"

"Because I could never love a man like you!" snapped Harley. "Frankly, I don't think anybody could!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded. "I know the whole clown face ain't the most attractive, but once you break the spell, that'll be gone."

"It's not your face," retorted Harley. "The problem is something deeper inside you. In your soul."

"Well, my soul is what it is," said Joker, shrugging. "My true love should accept that about me. Just like I accept that she can be uppity and high-strung…"

"I'm not your true love!" shrieked Harley. "And I'm not uppity and high-strung…"

"You've been like that since you came here," retorted Joker. "I'm sorry about the whole prisoner thing, but we've all tried to be nice to you to make up for that. Anyway, how would you like it if some randomer came along and cursed you and said you'd be ugly for the rest of your life unless you got somebody to love you? I mean, yeah, maybe I ain't the nicest guy, but I don't know what I did to deserve that! You said you were sick of being blackmailed by people – well, think about how we feel! Our entire future has been blackmailed, and whether we have one or not depends on me getting some girl who hates me to love me! Pammie's right – we might as well give up now."

He sat down on a rock. "You go ahead and try to find a way outta here. I'm staying down here alone. Better than a buncha losers blaming me for cursing 'em, and you snapping at me all the time."

Harley was silent. "Look, I…do sympathize," she said at last. "And I'm sorry about what happened to you. But two wrongs don't make a right. You can't fix your situation by putting others in the same predicament, and holding them hostage to a set of conditions. If you really love someone, you have to give them their freedom and let them go."

"What if they don't come back?" demanded Joker. "Then we're all screwed!"

"You have to trust that they will," said Harley. "That's love."

"That's the other problem," muttered Joker, kicking at the dirt. "I ain't even sure what this love stuff is. Hatty says it's all gifts and compliments, and Pammie says it's all similar interests, and Craney just seems enthralled by a pretty face, and Harvey's past the point of caring…it's just not a gag I can figure out."

"That's 'cause it ain't a gag," said Harley. "It's something you feel, deep down in your heart, something you don't even have to think about. You just know it when you feel it."

"How do you know so much about love?" asked Joker. "You ever been in love?"

"No," replied Harley. "But I do read a lot."

"You ever read a story where a homicidal clown finds his true love and breaks the spell he got cast on himself?" demanded Joker.

"Not yet," replied Harley. "But that doesn't mean it can't happen."

She held out a hand to him. "C'mon," she said. "Let's just get outta here. And then we can worry about the rest of the story."

He nodded, taking her hand and following her down the tunnel. The stream they were following got wider and stronger, until it looked like an underground river, too deep to see the bottom. Suddenly, Harley jumped back from the edge.

"What is it?" asked Joker.

"I…thought I saw something…down there in the water," she stammered. "Something big."

Joker peered down into the depths of the dark water. "Looks too dark to see anything – probably just your imagination," he said. "Reading will give you one of those. Reading and madness, which is my excuse!" he chuckled.

"You don't seem that crazy to me," said Harley.

"Better watch out – that's a sign that you might be crazy too!" laughed Joker.

"Well, that'd be kinda a good joke, huh?" asked Harley with a grin. "A crazy psychiatrist?"

"Yeah, it would, actually," he agreed, smiling at her. "See, you do have a sense of humor."

"So do you, when you're not telling offensive jokes," retorted Harley. She stopped suddenly as an iron gate in the tunnel blocked their progress.

"Why would anybody build a gate here?" asked Harley, examining the rusty lock on the door.

"Maybe to keep something out?" suggested Joker.

"Or to keep something in," agreed Harley, with a shudder. She tried breaking the lock, but it was too strong.

"Lemme try," said Joker, using all his weight to slam against the lock. He broke it at last, along with one of the bars, and pushed the rusty door open with a screech.

"I think that's light up ahead," said Harley, hopefully. "We might be getting outta here!"

"No, you're not," growled an unpleasant voice behind them. They turned slowly to see a huge, hulking figure emerge from the water, half-crocodile, half-man.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Joker.

"Killer Croc," he growled. "I was locked down here ages ago and forgotten about, forced to eat whatever I could find in this pit to survive. But now I finally have fresh meat again," he said, eyeing them hungrily. "It's been so long…"

"Ok, just take it easy, Crocky," said Joker, slowly. "We're not for eating…I mean, c'mon, look at us! We're all skin and bones! Wouldn't be worth the time and effort eating us!"

"I just need a taste of it," growled Croc, licking his lips as he began to salivate. "Just a taste…of fresh meat…"

"Harley, run," muttered Joker, as Croc approached them.

"But J…" she began.

"Run!" he shouted, as Croc charged forward suddenly with a growl. He lunged for Harley, but Joker intercepted him, grabbing him around the neck with both arms and wrestling him to the ground.

"J!" screamed Harley, as Croc roared in fury, struggling against him. He suddenly dove back into the water, and began to roll over and over, trying to dislodge Joker from around his throat.

Harley stared in horror at the fight for a moment, and then reached for the fallen metal bar, just as Croc succeeded in freeing himself from Joker, biting suddenly into his arm. Joker cried out in pain as Croc dragged him down underneath the water, staining it red with blood. Harley waded in, striking at Croc with the bar as hard as she could. "Let go of him!" she screamed. "Let go!"

The bar struck Croc's teeth suddenly, and he howled in pain as he felt some of them break. He released Joker and Harley grabbed his other arm, wading through the water and dragging him toward the gate. Croc roared, heading straight for them again. Harley just managed to drag Joker to safety and slam the gate, shoving the bar through the broken lock to secure it. Croc hit the gate at full force, howling again in pain and frustration at being robbed of his meal. Harley ignored him – her attention was completely on the Joker as she dragged him to the bank, examining his injuries. The bite on his arm was deep, and he wasn't breathing.

"J?" she gasped, shaking him. "J, c'mon, don't drown! C'mon, wake up, please! You can't die on me!"

He remained unresponsive, the water dripping off him. "J, please!" she gasped, pummeling against his chest. "Please wake up, c'mon!"

There were still no signs of life, and Harley opened his mouth, about to press her own into it…

And then he coughed, choking up water as he gasped for air. "You're alive!" gasped Harley, embracing him tightly. "Oh, thank God!"

"Easy, toots – let me breathe!" he gasped.

"Right, sorry," she said, releasing him. He sat up slowly, hissing in pain as he looked at his arm.

"Hope you enjoyed that, Crocky!" he shouted back at the now empty gate. "Shoulda killed him – nobody takes a bite outta me and lives…"

"You're just lucky to be alive," retorted Harley. "What were you thinking, trying to wrestle a crocodile like that?"

He shrugged. "Wasn't thinking much of anything. Except that he was gonna hurt you, and I…didn't wanna see that happen."

He grinned at her. "Guess you like me more than you let on, though, trying to kiss me and all."

"I was trying to perform CPR!" snapped Harley. "It's medically sound - what you're supposed to do when someone's not breathing…"

"Uh huh, sure," he said, grinning. "Like I buy that."

"It's the truth," retorted Harley.

"And attacking a crocodile for me? That's definitely not medically sound," he replied.

"Well…I don't want you dead," she said. "Anyway, you wrestled a crocodile for me. Seems fair."

She helped him to his feet. "We need to get outta here and get your arm cleaned," she said. "Don't want the bite to become infected. But luckily I'm pretty sure that light up ahead is the way out. We'll have you back at Arkham in no time."

"Kinda a shame, really," he said. "I liked having you all to myself down here without the other losers intruding."

"Well…I can clean your wound when we get back…if you wanna," she said. "Least I can do, since it's kinda my fault and all…"

"Yeah, I'd…like that," he said, looking down at her. "I mean, it _was_ kinda your fault, but it was…kinda worth it, y'know."

She looked up at him. "Thank you," she whispered. "For…saving my life."

"You're welcome," he murmured.

Harley felt her heart pounding in anticipation of something as some irresistible force seemed to draw their mouths toward each other. Her breathing sped up as her body pulled closer to his, his arms encircling her shaking form...

And then he hissed in pain as she brushed against his wound, and the moment was broken. "Let's…uh…get you back," said Harley, heading toward the light at the end of the tunnel. Joker followed behind her, smiling despite the pain in his arm. And although he couldn't see it, Harley was smiling too.


	11. Chapter 11

"There you both are!" exclaimed Poison Ivy as Harley and Joker entered the Rec Room, still soaking wet. "Where the hell have you been?!"

"You smell terrible," commented Tetch, holding a handkerchief up to his nose.

"Yeah, just been for a dip in the sewers, Hatty!" chuckled Joker. "Not hugely pleasant, especially when you're being attacked by a giant crocodile-man. But no permanent harm done – just a scratch," he said, nodding at his arm.

"There's a giant crocodile-man living in the sewers?" asked Two-Face. "How did he get down there in the first place?"

"I dunno, Harv – go ask him," retorted Joker. "Just be sure to bring him some food before you do, or he'll just eat you instead."

"What were you doing in the sewers?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"Kinda a long story – I attached a bomb to Harley which I couldn't turn off, and it exploded and sent the whole room crashing down, and we landed in the sewers," said Joker.

"You…did what?" stammered Crane. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fine," said Harley, shrugging. "But J's not – we need to get his wound cleaned right away. C'mon, J," she said, taking his hand and leading him out of the room.

"That horrible monster!" gasped Crane. "How could he threaten to harm that precious angel…"

"No, this is good," said Ivy, glancing after them. "I mean, his methods are questionable, no doubt about it, but Harley and him seem to have bonded a little. See, they're holding hands!"

"You think he's doing it?" said Tetch, hopefully. "You think he can get her to love him?"

"I woulda thought it would take a miracle," said Two-Face. "But Pammie's right – there's something a little more friendly in their attitude, something that wasn't there before. And they're looking at each other a lot more. Eye contact is always a good thing."

"Maybe she's staring at him in horror and disbelief, wondering what sort of beast could strap a bomb to an innocent woman!" snapped Crane.

"I told you not to get your hopes up, Jonathan – she's not for you," repeated Tetch. "But you should be happy – the spell might get broken after all!"

"Yeah, just in time too," muttered Two-Face, turning back to the enchanted rose as another petal fell off it. "Pammie, can't you do anything to that thing to give us more time?"

"I work with regular plants, Harvey, not enchanted ones," retorted Ivy. "I can't do anything about spells, and I can't communicate with magic plants. That's like a whole nother language!"

"Still, it couldn't hurt to try watering it or something," said Tetch. "Maybe moving it into the light a bit more…"

They suddenly heard a shriek from the room down the hall where Joker and Harley were, and everyone rushed to see what had happened. The shriek turned out to have come from Joker, who was now holding his wounded arm away from Harley defensively as she attempted to put some kind of ointment on it.

"C'mon, J, don't be a baby!" she snapped. "You have to put antiseptic on it or it'll get infected!"

"So let it get infected!" he roared. "That's torture, toots! It stings like crazy!"

"Would you rather put up with a little stinging or have your arm amputated?" she demanded.

"I'll take the amputation!" he retorted. "At least they got anesthetic for that!"

"You'd think a guy like you could take a little pain," commented Harley.

"I _can_ take pain!" he snapped. "I kinda enjoy pain too, don't get me wrong, but that's beyond painful! You're not touching my arm with that again!"

Harley sighed. "Ok, fine," she snapped, throwing the rag down in the sink. "Let your wound get infected. See if I care."

"That's better," he retorted. He cleared his throat. "So...Harley, I was wondering if...you and me could have dinner together later, or something."

"I think we'll all probably be having dinner together later," said Harley. "Like last night."

"Er…yeah, but I kinda thought…maybe it'd be nice if it was just the two of us," said Joker, slowly. "Without the peanut gallery, y'know."

"We're right here!" snapped Ivy.

"Actually, I think it's a splendid idea," said Tetch. "A private dinner, by candlelight. You can use the old cafeteria – we'll spruce it up for you."

"Sounds kinda romantic," said Harley.

"Well, it don't have to be if you don't want it to be," added Joker, hastily. "Could just be a friendly candlelit dinner…"

"I didn't mean that as a bad thing," said Harley, smiling at him as she leaned against the sink.

"Yeah?" he asked, hopefully, approaching her. "You really wanna…have a romantic candlelit dinner with me?"

"Maybe," she said, grinning. "If you'll do something for me first."

"And what's that, toots?" he asked.

"Hold still," she said, suddenly grabbing the rag out of the sink and shoving it against his arm.

Joker howled in pain, but his look of fury twisted into a grin at her. "You little minx," he chuckled. "Normally I don't like it when the joke's on me, but for you, I'll make an exception."

"I'm flattered," said Harley, smiling at him. "And you'll thank me later when your arm doesn't fall off."

"We'll leave you both to it – lots of work to do before dinner tonight, and we'll all need to help. Come along, everyone," said Tetch, hurrying them away. "Jonathan? Jonathan!" he snapped, as Crane lingered behind, glaring at Harley and Joker. "Come along!" snapped Tetch, dragging him off by the arm.

"I can't believe she's actually falling for that idiotic brute!" muttered Crane. "She deserves so much better!"

"For your sake, you'd better hope she doesn't realize that," retorted Tetch. "Now we all need to pitch in and make sure this dinner tonight goes smoothly. It will be just the thing to help push them together. Pamela, use some of your most attractive plants to decorate the cafeteria. I'll be in charge of the cooking – if you could help me serve, Jonathan, that would be splendid."

"And what do you want me to do?" asked Two-Face.

"Do you still play any instruments?" asked Tetch.

Two-Face nodded. "Two. Double neck electric guitar and double bass."

"I can't imagine an electric guitar would necessarily set the most romantic mood," said Tetch. "But the double bass might do it."

Two-Face flipped his coin, which landed good side up. "All right – better start practicing," he sighed, heading off to his room.

"And I better start getting my babies to tear down the cobwebs and junk in the cafeteria and make the whole place look beautiful," said Ivy. "We'll make it a shrine to nature."

"And we'd better start preparing the menu," said Tetch, heading off to the kitchen with Crane following. "I'm thinking a French theme – the dinner there is never second-best, you know. Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres, beef ragout, cheese souffle, pie and pudding en flambe, ooh, and that grey stuff – it's delicious! And of course, tea with dessert."


	12. Chapter 12

"You ok, J?" asked Two-Face, knocking on the door to his room.

"Yeah, just…uh…deciding what to wear!" called back Joker.

"Better hurry up – dinner's almost ready," said Two-Face. "Ivy's just gone to help Harley get ready and make sure the dress she's borrowing fits, so I thought I'd do the same. You need any help? J?"

He opened the door to see Joker sitting on the bed in his boxers, suits thrown haphazardly around the room. "I can't do this, Harvey," he said, whirling around to face him. "What if I screw it up? What if I don't know what to say, or say the wrong thing? I could ruin everything! And this is the one chance I got to really hit things off with Harley…"

"I'm sure it'll be fine if you just relax," said Two-Face, soothingly. "Anyway, you fought a crocodile for her earlier today. I don't know why you think a first date is scarier than that."

"It is, though!" exclaimed Joker. "Fighting stuff – I'm good at that! But dating? I don't have any idea what the hell I'm doing there! It's all about being honest and sincere and serious, and expressing your feelings in a heartfelt way – I'm no good with that! And what if she's expecting me to do or say certain things, and I don't, and she gets really offended and storms off and won't let me talk to her again…"

"It's not like she has anyplace else to go – she's kinda trapped here," said Two-Face.

"That's even worse! What if I screw things up tonight, and things are really awkward between us? There's no escape from the awkwardness since we're both trapped here!" exclaimed Joker.

"Well, if you screw up, at least Crane will be happy so he can have his shot at her," said Two-Face. "Now, c'mon, J, get ahold of yourself. She likes you – anybody can see that from today. You just gotta be yourself and act natural, and she'll keep liking you."

"Yeah, I like her too," agreed Joker. "I like her a lot, I…I dunno…I think I might…love her. You think I should tell her that?"

"Maybe not on the first date," said Two-Face. "Might come across as a bit desperate. Not that keeping her prisoner here doesn't come off as a bit desperate, but no need to add to that impression. But if things go well tonight, who knows? No pressure, but we all are kinda counting on you to break this spell, so try not to screw up, huh?"

"Thanks, Harvey, that's filled me with confidence," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "So…which suit should I go with?"

After several coin flips, Two-Face finally said, "Purple one."

"But that's the suit I always wear," said Joker.

"The coin says the purple one," repeated Two-Face, firmly. "Don't argue with the coin."

Joker sighed, reaching for his regular suit. "All right. Might help with the whole be myself and relax thing if I'm dressed the way I normally dress."

"You didn't even dress up for her?!" exclaimed Crane as Joker and Two-Face entered the cafeteria. Ivy had done an excellent job decorating – roses and lilacs perfumed the air and blossomed from the walls and ceiling.

"The coin said he should wear the purple suit," said Two-Face. "We always listen to the coin."

"She's going to be horribly offended you didn't go through even the slightest bit of effort to dress up for her!" snapped Crane. "Doesn't this occasion mean anything to you at all?! Don't you think she's special?!"

"Of course I do," retorted Joker.

"Well, you haven't shown it by your choice of clothing!" snapped Crane.

"All right, screw the coin, I'm changing!" snapped Joker, heading for the door. Two-Face grabbed his arm suddenly.

"Too late," he said, nodding at the opposite door.

Ivy had entered the room with Harley, who was dressed in a long, stunning red ballgown that billowed out around her. The bodice and gloves were black, and her blonde hair was done up in two pigtails. She beamed at Joker, who just stared at her, his jaw dropped in amazement.

"Didn't feel like dressing up, huh?" she asked.

"Uh…no, I…was just gonna…go change," stammered Joker, but she laughed.

"Don't," she said. "I like being casual. I can barely breathe in this thing with the corset and all, but Ivy insisted I had to dress up. Kinda regret letting her talk me into it now, but at least one of us can be comfortable tonight," she said, smiling at him.

"Believe me, toots, I ain't comfortable," he stammered. "Not when you look like that – just reinforces the fact that you're way outta my league, and I gotta be crazy to think there's a shot in hell of a guy like me winning the heart of a girl like you."

Harley smiled again. "I like crazy, remember?" she whispered, taking his hand. "How's your arm feeling?"

"Oh yeah, it's…uh…still there," he said, smiling at her. "Thanks to you and your torture."

Harley giggled. "Told you so, Mr. J!"

"Mr. J?" he repeated.

Harley shrugged. "Just thought, 'cause this seems so formal and all, that we should be formal with each other. But not too formal, huh, Mr. J?" she asked, smiling at him.

"N…no," he stammered. "But…do let me escort you to your seat, milady."

Harley giggled again and Joker relaxed into an easy smile, leading her over to the table. He began to pull out her chair for her, but Harley stopped him. "Nothing wrong with my arms," she said, grinning at him.

"Nah, but I insist," he said. "Just to prove I got manners."

He looked at Tetch, who gave him a nod of approval from the kitchen. "Go serve the soup, Jonathan," said Tetch, pushing Crane forward.

Crane placed the bowl of soup gently down in front of Harley, with a smile. Then he headed over to Joker, slamming the bowl down angrily in front of him and splattering his suit with soup.

"Thanks…Johnny," growled Joker, mopping it up. "Try to be a little less clumsy with the next course, huh?"

"Of course," said Crane, calmly. "It's dessert that I'm hoping to be particularly clumsy with – pudding en flambe."

"What's that mean?" asked Joker as Crane headed back to the kitchen.

"On fire," explained Harley. "It's a French thing."

"Well…I enjoy fire too, just not for eating," said Joker, slowly. "You sure some French guy didn't just leave dessert in the oven too long, and then tried to pass it off as a delicacy?"

"Maybe that's how it was invented," agreed Harley, with a smile. "Or maybe they just have strange ideas about food – they do eat snails, after all."

"Hatty! You ain't serving us snails, are you?" shouted Joker. "I refuse to eat that!"

"If I were serving escargot, it would be in place of the soup du jour, being a hors d'oeuvre!" shouted back Tetch.

"Speak English!" shouted Joker.

"No, I'm not serving snails," he snapped, emerging from the kitchen. "What sort of romantic mood would that set?"

Two-Face came over, taking a seat at the table next to them and beginning to play the double bass. Joker and Harley stared at him for a moment, and then Joker stood up, smiling at Harley.

"Scuse me for a second, toots," he said, heading for the kitchen. "Hatty!" he snapped. "What sort of romantic mood are we meant to have with Harvey here? Tell him to beat it! Three's a crowd!"

"He's providing mood music," said Tetch.

"No offense, but I think a little privacy would be more conducive to the whole romance thing than mood music!" snapped Joker. "Especially since it sounds like Harvey's been neglecting his practicing!"

"Trust me, it will help," said Tetch.

Joker growled, heading back into the dining room and sitting back down next to Harley, who was clearly trying to be polite about Two-Face's playing. Joker could tell that her smile was fake, and suddenly punched his fist through the double bass.

"Aw, gee, sorry, Harv, clumsy me," he said. "You'd better get outta here before I break something else of yours."

Two-Face shrugged. "I can take a hint," he said, standing up and leaving, dragging the double bass after him.

Harley giggled, smiling at Joker. "Mr. J, that was a very mean thing to do."

"Don't pretend you didn't want me to," he said. "It's bad enough that the nerds keep coming and going from the kitchen, and with Pammie's plants everywhere, I feel like we're constantly being watched."

"I like them," said Harley.

"I don't," he retorted. "I especially hate roses, after that crap the enchantress pulled on me. Just a constant reminder of my predicament."

"Have you ever thought that maybe this spell might not be a bad thing?" asked Harley, sipping her drink. "I mean, the clown look isn't common, but I kinda like it. Makes you stand out from the crowd and look distinctive."

"Yeah, like a freak," agreed Joker.

Harley shrugged. "At least you have a reason to be judged as a freak - you can just blame it on your appearance. I don't have that excuse."

"Who thinks you're a freak?" asked Joker.

"Everyone," she replied. "I…didn't really have any friends in Gotham. Everyone kinda thought I was weird."

"They're idiots," retorted Joker. "Or crazy."

"Actually, I learned not to mind it," said Harley, shrugging. "I'd rather be a freak if being normal means to be shallow and boring, like Bruce Wayne. And I woulda never had to put up with his advances if I'd looked as freakish as everyone thought me. Might be a good way to ward off the creeps," she added, smiling. "What I'm trying to say is, maybe it's a good thing that you wear your personality on the surface. I kinda wish we all did, since most people are too blind to see past that."

"Yeah, they are," agreed Joker. "Which is why it's so important not to look like a freak, unless you wanna end up alone forever."

"The enchantress obviously thought differently, since she gave you a way to break the spell," retorted Harley. "Getting somebody to love you. If you do that, Mr. J, how you look ain't gonna matter. Love is blind. And if somebody can love you as a clown, they sure as heck don't need you to change into someone else for them. You love who you love, no matter what they look like."

"I…guess," said Joker. "I saw the way to break the spell as more like taunting us with the impossible. Getting somebody to love me is like making a hostage saw both his arms off to get the key to his cell. You bleed to death before you get to use it."

"I'm…not sure what you mean with that metaphor," said Harley, slowly. "Or how you came up with it."

"Experience," said Joker, shrugging. "And what I mean is that you give them a glimmer of hope in order to make them suffer more. It's one of the cruelest ways to torture someone."

"This don't look much like torture to me," said Harley, nodding at the meal in front of them.

"Well…it ain't anymore, with you here," said Joker, slowly. "It's like sawing both your arms off without the pain. Or the bleeding to death."

"Thanks…I think," stammered Harley.

"Yeah, it was meant to be a compliment," said Joker. "But I guess I should stick to 'you look pretty in that dress,' huh?"

"No," replied Harley. "I like your style of compliment. It's very unique."

She smiled at him, and he smiled back, thinking that despite a few minor setbacks, this evening was going pretty well.

Crane refrained from slamming down the next few courses in front of Joker, but when they reached dessert, he shoved Joker's portion of flaming pudding at him. Joker intercepted it before it landed in his lap.

"You singe the suit and you owe me a new one!" snapped Joker.

"I wasn't aiming for your suit," retorted Crane, heading back to the kitchen.

Joker stood up again, following him. "Scuse me again, Harley," he said, smiling at her.

The moment the door to the kitchen was closed, Joker slapped Crane across the back of the head. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" he hissed. "Don't you want this spell broken? Or do you wanna be a scarecrow forever?"

"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to save that precious girl from having to endure the attentions of a brute!" snapped Crane. "Who is only interested in courting her for his own selfish ends!"

"You don't know anything about why I'm courting her!" snapped Joker. "I got feelings too, y'know!"

"Really? Could have fooled me," retorted Crane. "You try to kill her earlier today, and suddenly you're in love with her?"

"Yeah, maybe I am!" snapped Joker. "So just stay outta it, pal!" he said, shoving him back. Crane raised a fist to punch him, but Tetch stepped in between them.

"Wait, wait, wait," he said. "Joker, are you saying you're in love with the girl?"

"I…dunno," retorted Joker.

"Of course he's not!" snapped Crane. "If he were, the spell would be broken!"

"No, she has to love him in return," said Tetch. "But this is good! This is very good! This is the first step!"

"The second step will be impossible," snorted Crane. "Harley's not crazy – she's not going to fall in love with a man who tried to blow her up earlier today!"

"Maybe not," agreed Joker. "But I'm hoping she's crazier than you think."

He stormed out of the kitchen. "Your pudding's getting cold, especially now that the fire's gone out," commented Harley.

"Not a big fan of pudding anyway," growled Joker, shoving it away from him.

"Why the long face?" asked Harley, eating a spoonful of dessert. She grinned at him. "Puddin'."

"Is that meant to be funny?" demanded Joker.

"Funny, cute," said Harley, shrugging. "Doncha like the nickname, puddin'?"

"No," he snapped. "I hate it, just like I hate actual pudding!"

"You need to cheer up, puddin'," said Harley, finishing her own serving of pudding. "Nobody likes a sad clown. Maybe we could do something fun after dinner to put a smile back on your face."

Joker tried desperately to think of some fun after-dinner activity. He looked to the kitchen, where Tetch stood in the doorway, miming dancing.

Joker cleared his throat. "You wanna maybe…go watch some TV?"

"TV?!" exclaimed Tetch. "I was going for dancing! Dancing! Ask her to dance!"

"TV sounds great, actually," said Harley. "I ain't really that much of a dancer."

"Me neither," agreed Joker. "C'mon, let's see what's on. It's the only window to the outside world we got, after all."

Tetch stared after them. "TV!" he snorted. "On a first date! Could there be anything more unromantic? Honestly, and people call _me_ mad!" he sighed, clearing away the dishes.


	13. Chapter 13

"Not much on," said Joker, flipping channels in the Rec Room. "How can there be a hundred channels and nothing on any of 'em?"

"Just put on the news or something," said Harley. "Feel kinda outta touch with the world, not that that's unusual for me."

"The news ain't gonna be very romantic," muttered Joker. "Here, let's try one of those reality dancing shows. It'll be a compromise between my idea and Tetchy's idea."

He sat down on the sofa next to her, not paying the slightest bit of attention to what was on screen. A few minutes passed before Joker finally made his move. He yawned, stretching his arms up and letting one fall around her shoulder.

Harley grinned, wondering if she should mock him for trying such an old and predictable move. But instead she just drew closer, cuddling against him as she kept her eyes on the screen. Joker beamed, smiling down at her and feeling glad that his old and predictable move had worked. They sat cuddled together for a long time before Joker finally decided he was going to tell her how he felt. He cleared his throat, about to do just that, when a news bulletin flashed across the screen.

"We interrupt our scheduled programming to bring you urgent news live from Gotham City. Billionaire Bruce Wayne has called an emergency press conference, and a call to action for the people of Gotham against the inmates of Arkham Asylum."

"What?" demanded Harley, sitting bolt upright. The camera focused on Bruce, dressed in some kind of bat costume, surrounded on one side by Dick Grayson in a red, green, and yellow costume, and on the other by Mr. Quinzel.

"People of Gotham City, one of your fellow citizens has been kidnapped by the monsters lurking in Arkham," said Bruce. "This man's daughter," he said, gesturing to Mr. Quinzel. "A beautiful and innocent girl, is currently in the clutches of the most evil and depraved people who have ever lived. For too long has Gotham lived in fear of these monsters, and now at last I am doing something to free you from that terror. I am launching an assault on Arkham Asylum to bring Harleen Quinzel home. Anyone who wants to do their civic duty and follow me is most welcome – just follow the sign of the Bat," he said, unveiling a huge searchlight with a bat symbol on it.

"This signal will be a beacon under which all good people can rally, to unite against the forces of madness and evil that threaten us from that horrible monstrosity of a building. I am marching into Arkham and taking Harley back by whatever means necessary, even if I have to slay every beast in there. Who's with me?"

A great cheer rose up from the surrounding crowd. Harley and Joker just stared at the screen in horror, and then Harley stood up. "I have to stop them," she said. "I have go to talk to my father, and Bruce, and talk them out of this ridiculous idea."

"You think we can't take a band of idiots and some rich twit?" demanded Joker. "I know we're outnumbered and all, but we've got brains and experience on our side. We're all trained fighters – let them come! We'll show 'em why they shouldn't mess with us!"

"My Dad is with them!" said Harley, pointing to the screen. "If he were accidentally hurt in the fight…I don't know what I'd do! And Bruce may be an idiot, but I don't want him to die trying to rescue me! I couldn't live with that kinda guilt! I gotta go back to Gotham and talk them out of this! I'll tell 'em you're not all bad. They'll listen to me."

Joker looked at her. "But if you leave…you won't come back."

"I will," she said. "I promise. You have to trust me."

Joker turned his attention to the wilting rose by the window, which was clearly on its last legs. "You really think…we're not all bad?" he asked, quietly.

"I know you're not," she said.

He looked back up at her. "Then…you gotta go," he said, standing up. "You gotta save them all from making a big mistake. If we're attacked, the boys and Pammie, they'll defend themselves without mercy. You can't let that happen."

He took her hands. "And…you don't have to come back. You're not our prisoner – we have no right to keep you here. You're a free woman, with a mind of her own and a life of her own. I'm not gonna ruin that anymore."

Harley stared at him. "But…the spell…you'll be stuck like this forever if I don't come back."

"There are more important things," he said.

Harley gazed into his eyes. "I will come back," she said firmly, touching his cheek. "I swear."

She felt that strange force come upon her again, the longer she looked at his eyes, and his face, and his lips…

She suddenly hugged him, shutting her eyes tightly. "Thank you," she whispered.

He nodded, stroking her hair gently. "Go," he murmured.

Harley drew away from him, heading off to her room to change. She glanced back once to see Joker looking at the rose, shoulders slumped in resignation. And then she turned away and was gone.

…

"J! What have you done to my guard plant?" demanded Ivy, storming into the Rec Room.

"I moved him," murmured Joker, still slumped over the table with the rose. "Locked him up downstairs."

"Why?" demanded Ivy. "He needs air and sunlight, not some drafty cell!"

"I didn't want him getting in the way," retorted Joker.

"The way of what?" demanded Ivy.

"J, I just heard the front door slam," said Tetch, racing into the room with Crane and Two-Face following him. "Where's Harley?"

"Gone," murmured Joker. "I let her go."

They all stared at him in horror. "You…did what?" gasped Crane. "How...how could you do that?"

"I had to," replied Joker.

"Why?" demanded Crane.

"Because…I love her," he whispered.

"Yes, and if you ever want her to love you in return, you can't let her go!" shouted Tetch. "Now there's no hope! We're all doomed!"

"It doesn't matter," muttered Joker, glaring at the rose. "The stupid spell…doesn't matter. We deserve to look like this, all of us," he said, turning to face them. "We deserve to look like monsters, because that's what we are. And we need to stop lying to ourselves and thinking that can be changed, thinking that someone can come along and just rescue us, or…that any of us can ever be loved. We need to get our heads outta this fantasy crap and just wake up and face reality. We're monsters. And monsters don't get happy endings."

"J, what are you doing?" demanded Two-Face. "J, no!" he shouted, leaping forward to stop him, but it was too late. Joker had seized and crushed the rose in his hand, grinding it into dust.

"There," he muttered. "Now there's no more hope. No more torture, for any of us. This is who we are – a buncha freaks. Better start getting used to it," he said, storming off.

"Pammie, you can do something, right?" asked Two-Face, desperately, as Ivy knelt down, picking up the remains of the rose. "You can bring it back?"

Ivy shook her head slowly. "No. No, I can't. It's magic, and it's gone forever."

Crane sank down on his knees. "Oh God!" he gasped. "Oh God, all these years, and it all ends in disappointment and failure! I should have known, really – what is life but a never-ending series of disappointment and failure? I always knew it was useless to hope."

"J's right," agreed Ivy, slowly. "We're the bad guys. There are no happy endings for us."

Tears came to her eyes and she sobbed, clutching the remains of the rose. Two-Face knelt down beside her, embracing her and shushing her as she cried into his chest.

Tetch had removed his hat, looking out the window at the darkness and rain that poured down in a never-ending torrent. "Would not, could not," he murmured. "Would not, could not, oh, could not join the dance."


	14. Chapter 14

"No!" exclaimed Arleen, breaking in on the story suddenly. "No, he can't have destroyed the rose! Now the spell will never be broken! There's no happy ending!"

"Just wait and hear the rest of it, princess…" began Joker.

"No!" she cried, stamping her foot. "You're telling the story wrong, Daddy! It's gotta have a happy ending! You gotta change it! Make him not destroy the rose!"

"Sweetness, just because the spell ain't broken don't mean the ending has gotta be unhappy," said Joker, gently. "Remember what you said your one problem with the movie was? The Beast changing into a handsome prince when Beauty had fallen in love with the Beast? Well, now the Joker ain't gonna change his appearance, and neither are all the others. The man Harley falls in love with is still gonna look like the man she fell in love with, because they didn't break the spell."

"I don't understand," said J.J. "Why wouldn't they wanna break the curse and look normal again?"

"Because it wasn't a curse, J.J.," said Joker. "The enchantress cast a spell on them so they would all be their true selves, even if their true selves weren't very attractive on the outside. And if they ever wanted to get anybody to love them, they gotta first learn to love themselves as they truly are, and stop trying to hide that. So in a way, the only way to break the spell was to realize that they didn't want the spell broken."

"That's confusing, Daddy," said J.J.

"It's called subtext, J.J.," said Joker. "All the great stories have 'em, or so they tell me. Personally I can't figure out what the subtext is behind a guy in a bat costume beating people up night after night, but I'm sure some Lit student somewhere has it figured out."

"So…there's still gonna be a happy ending, Daddy?" asked Arleen, pleadingly. "There's gotta be! There's just gotta!"

"There will be," said Joker, nodding. "But a few more bad things are gonna happen before then. You gonna be ok to cope with them, princess?"

Arleen nodded firmly. "As long as I know everything's gonna be ok in the end, I can cope with anything."

"That's my brave girl," he said, kissing the top of her head. "Now where were we? Oh yeah, well, after Harley left Arkham, she headed for the Bat-signal, which was shining over Gotham from Wayne Manor. She banged on the door, and it was opened a few moments later by Alfred.

"Miss…Quinzel!" he stammered, shocked.

"Is my father here?" she asked. "I need to speak to him and Bruce right away."

"Yes…yes, he is – do come in, miss," said Alfred. "Master Bruce is just drawing up some battle plans in the study."

Harley rolled her eyes as Alfred opened the study door to reveal Bruce and Dick enthusiastically drawing some plans on a whiteboard while Mr. Quinzel sat in the corner, head in his hands and regretting more than ever his decision to involve Bruce in his daughter's rescue.

Mr. Quinzel looked up when the door opened. "Harley!" he gasped in astonishment, racing over to her and embracing her fiercely. "Oh God, Harley! I thought I'd never see you again!"

"Me too, Daddy!" she whispered, hugging him back. "God, I missed you!"

"How did you escape from those evil lunatics?" he asked.

"I didn't escape, Daddy – they let me go," said Harley.

"Let you go?" he repeated. "Those horrible monsters?"

"They're not, Daddy," said Harley. "They're under a curse, and desperate, but they're not all bad, really. You gotta call off this attack, Bruce," she said, turning to face him. "There's no need to storm in there and rescue me anymore, after all. And if you provoke them, innocent people are just gonna get killed. Just leave them alone, please. They're not going to hurt anyone."

Bruce looked at her. "Sad, isn't it, Mr. Quinzel?" he sighed.

"What?" asked Mr. Quinzel, puzzled.

"That the monsters have managed to brainwash her, of course," retorted Bruce. "Made her as crazy as they are. No sane person could defend those lunatics, after all."

"I'm not brainwashed!" snapped Harley. "And I'm not crazy! _You're_ crazy if you think attacking a fortress full of experienced killers in a bat costume is a good idea! And what's with that, anyway?"

"It's the costume of a hero," retorted Bruce. "A crusader for justice, a dark knight, who will slay monsters to prove himself the hero this city needs, and the one it deserves. I'm not surprised you can't understand it, Harley, but I'll free your mind from their influence soon enough, never fear."

"You're not going to hurt them!" shrieked Harley. "I won't let you!"

"And just what do you think you can do about it?" asked Bruce. "I'm the rich one here – I've got power and influence and if I want to launch an attack on Arkham, I will. You're just a poor little girl with nothing – how do you expect to stop me?"

Harley punched him across the face. "Like that, if I have to!" she snapped.

"See? You _have_ been brainwashed!" exclaimed Bruce, touching his bleeding nose. "To be as violent and unpredictable as the madmen! Don't worry, Mr. Quinzel – I'll bring your real daughter back to you when I've slaughtered every last one of the lunatics," he said, turning away from her.

"Bruce, I won't let you do this!" screamed Harley, but she was restrained by Dick, who held her arms firmly behind her back as she attempted to attack Bruce again. Bruce went over to the whiteboard, pulling some photographs down.

"Which one was it?" he asked, holding them up to Harley. "Which one brainwashed you? The plant witch, with her lipstick? Or the hat freak, with his mind control?"

When he got to the picture of the Joker, Harley felt her heart leap, and she hoped Bruce wouldn't notice. But he did.

"The clown?" he demanded. "That's the one who brainwashed you?"

"Nobody brainwashed me!" hissed Harley.

Bruce nodded slowly. "Yes, he did. And I'll bring back his head to you in order to break the spell."

"You won't hurt him!" screamed Harley. "He's a better fighter than you!"

"I doubt that!" laughed Bruce. "I was trained by professionals! He's just some insane clown…"

He trailed off as he studied her eyes. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster," he murmured.

"He's not the monster, Bruce," snapped Harley. "You are!"

Bruce shook his head. "See? Crazy," he sighed. "Shame in one so young and beautiful, but I have every hope of restoring her sanity when I destroy the creatures who drove her mad. Mr. Quinzel, I'd take her home and lock her up if I were you, someplace safe, until I fix this. Dick, c'mon. We've got some monsters to slay."

"Bruce, no, stop!" shrieked Harley, rushing after him. "Please don't do this!"

"You want to stop me?" Bruce demanded. "Then marry me."

Harley gaped at him. "What?"

"One little word, Harley, that's all it takes," said Bruce, smiling.

"Never!" shrieked Harley. "I won't be blackmailed into marrying you!"

"Then your crazy little friends are gonna die," retorted Bruce. "So have it your way, Harley."

Harley shrieked, about to punch him again, but Mr. Quinzel held her back. "Dad, no, please, let me go! I have to stop him!" she cried, turning to her father as the door slammed shut. "You don't understand – I'm not crazy!"

"I know, baby," he said, softly. "But I also know trying to get Bruce Wayne to do anything is impossible, including changing his mind. But if we hurry, we can get back to Arkham and warn 'em before the others arrive."

"You…believe me?" asked Harley.

He kissed her. "I'll always believe you, sweetheart. You say they're not all bad, then they're not all bad. And if saving them is important to you, it's important to me."

Harley hugged him. "C'mon, let's get going," she said, racing toward the door.

He caught her arm. "Was…Bruce right about that?" he asked. "About you…having feelings…for the clown?"

Harley bit her lip and nodded. "Yeah, Dad. I think…I love him."

He nodded slowly. "Then we'd definitely better hurry," he said.

…

"What the hell is that?" asked Poison Ivy, looking out the window of Arkham Asylum at the approaching mass of light.

"Looks like…people," said Two-Face. "What the hell are a buncha people doing heading toward Arkham?"

"Looks like an angry mob to me," said Tetch. "Which is obviously just what we need."

"We can beat them back easily," said Crane, loading vials of fear toxin into his gloves. "A little mass terror might be just the thing to cheer me up after J ruined our chances of breaking the spell."

"J, angry mob at twelve o'clock," said Two-Face, as Joker entered the room. "Better get ready to fight."

Joker nodded slowly. "Yeah. They think we're monsters, so we're gonna be monsters. C'mon, everyone," he said, nodding towards the door. "Let's show 'em the beasts we truly are."


	15. Chapter 15

"Bruce, I have kinda a bad feeling about this," said Dick Grayson, as they approached the looming gates of Arkham Asylum. "Maybe Harley was right about calling this whole thing off…"

"She's not right – she's temporarily insane," retorted Bruce. "And a hero doesn't call things off, Dick. He doesn't back down because it's the easier thing to do. He fights, whatever the odds, and whatever the cost."

"Yeah, I know, but…are you sure you're a hero, Bruce?" asked Dick.

"Of course I'm sure," retorted Bruce. "I'm the good guy, and they're the bad guys. It's very simple."

"But if you're the hero…why is Harley in love with the clown?" asked Dick.

"She's not in love with him," said Bruce. "He's got her under some sorta mind-control, like bad guys do. She only thinks she has feelings for him, but that'll all be over with after we kill them. That'll cure her."

"Do good guys kill people?" asked Dick.

"Some of them do," said Bruce. "When the cause is just. And what more just cause could there be than rescuing a damsel in distress from a fate worse than death?"

"So…we're gonna win, right?" asked Dick, looking up at the iron door of the asylum.

"We're the good guys, Dick," retorted Bruce, confidently. "Of course we're gonna win."

He sprayed explosive gel in the shape of a bat on the iron door of the asylum. "Just follow my lead," he said, stepping back and pressing the detonator.

The door exploded off its hinges, and Bruce, Dick, and the mob of Gotham citizens made their way into the darkness of Arkham Asylum.

"Everyone look around and be careful!" called Bruce, as the mob shone their flashlights around the shadows. "The monsters could be hiding anywhere!"

"Actually, we're not hiding," said a voice. All the flashlights instantly focused on the Joker, standing in the entrance hall with a beaming smile on his face. "Don't much care for hide and seek!" he chuckled. "How about another game? Tag, you're it!" he shouted, tossing a set of chattering teeth into the crowd. It exploded, and chaos instantly descended as everybody started panicking.

The panicking grew worse as vines suddenly slithered down the wall, reaching out to grab unsuspecting citizens and dragging them back into the maw of the man-eating venus flytrap controlled by Poison Ivy. "My baby's getting a feast tonight," she cooed, petting it lovingly.

The mob began running around like a headless chicken, and the screaming grew louder as occasional gunshots rang out, as Two-Face flipped his coin, waited for it to land bad side up, and then shot a randomer. "At least this way it's all fair and balanced," he said.

The remains of the mob tried to get out of the asylum, but a wave of scalding tea suddenly poured down from the ceiling, burning the people below with a sickening hiss. "It's actually a shame to waste all that tea on such undeserving savages," sighed Tetch, sipping his own cup of tea next to the tripwire that had activated the trap.

At last, the few surviving stragglers crawled out the door with bullet wounds and third-degree burns…and looked up into the face of a scarecrow. "Ladies and gentlemen, I understand that we're in a lot of pain right now, but I'd be grateful of your help in a science experiment," he announced. "This is for posterity and scientific advancement, so if you could all be completely honest as to how the following toxin makes you feel, I'd be ever so grateful," he said, releasing a yellowish gas into their faces.

"Hmm…yes…lots of screaming and shouting – could anybody provide a coherent summation of their experience?" called Crane over the panic. "Apparently not."

"A resounding success, everyone," said Crane at last, striding back into the asylum with the screams of the survivors ringing in his ears. "A most gratifying experiment on the effects of mass terror on mob mentality. The realization of many years of painstaking research for me, so I thank you all."

"Don't thank us," retorted Ivy, petting her plant which looked very well-fed. "Thank whoever was stupid enough to incite a mob to come here in the first place. They must have known they'd be horribly massacred."

"Maybe they were self-righteous enough to think that because we're the monsters, we were bound to lose," muttered Two-Face, sheathing his gun. "Because villains always lose in stories."

"This ain't a story," retorted Joker. "And it ain't got a happy ending for anyone."

"J!" shouted a voice in the doorway. Everyone turned to see Harley standing there, beaming.

"Harley?" gasped Joker in disbelief. They raced toward each other, meeting halfway and hugging tightly. "You…came back," he whispered, stroking her hair.

"I promised I would," she said. "Although too late to save everyone, I see."

"No loss," said Joker, shrugging. "The world won't miss one less mob – it's a good lesson for 'em not to try that kinda behavior again. If individual people wanna be treated with respect, they gotta not do that lemming thing where they unthinkingly follow some random nutjob, or else they'll be slaughtered like the animals they are. And they deserve it too, for not using their brains and just giving into base fear."

"I'm just so glad you're safe," whispered Harley. "I dunno what I would have done if I had lost you."

"Hey, they didn't even come close to hurting me," said Joker. "Not a scratch…"

He choked suddenly as a knife blade burst through his chest. "J!" screamed Harley, as he sank slowly to the ground.

"Told you, Dick," said Bruce, straightening up from behind Joker and pulling out the knife. "The black batsuit was a great idea. For camouflage purposes, anyway. They never see you coming in the shadows."

"You goddamn coward!" roared Two-Face, ripping out his gun.

"No, no, no, none of that," said Bruce, grabbing Harley and holding her in front of him like a shield while holding the bloody knife to her throat. "Now my ward and I are getting outta here, and we're taking Harley with us. Now that the monster's dead, she'll be back to normal."

Joker lay gasping on the ground as the blood poured out of him, staring after Harley as she was dragged toward the door. Then there were two bangs, and Bruce and Dick both suddenly fell to the ground, unconscious.

"That's for harassing my daughter," muttered George Quinzel in the doorway, dropping the crowbar he had used to hit them both.

"J!" gasped Harley, racing back over to Joker. She kneeled down next to him, praying that the wound wasn't as bad as it looked. But it was.

"No!" she whispered, tears in her eyes. "No, no, no, you can't leave me, puddin'!"

"Maybe it's…better this way," he gasped, looking up at her and forcing a smile. "Gal like you…deserves better than a guy like me anyway. Some monster…"

"Don't talk like that," interrupted Harley. "You're not a monster – none of you are! And you'll be all right. We're together now – everything's gonna be fine, you'll see."

He smiled again, reaching out a hand to touch her cheek. "At least…I got to see you…one last time," he murmured.

And then his hand dropped and his eyes shut. "No!" gasped Harley, tears running down her cheeks. "No, puddin', please! Please don't leave me!" she cried, shaking him to try to wake him up. She sobbed, cradling his body gently against hers. "I love you," she whispered.

And suddenly a very strange thing happened. The whole asylum filled with a blinding light that made the others fall back. Harley shielded her eyes with her hand, and suddenly felt the Joker's body lifted off her, and up to levitate in the air.

"Are…your plants doing that, Pamela?" asked Crane, slowly.

"No," replied Ivy, staring at the sight in awe, as the same light began to shoot in beams from the Joker's body. Then he was placed gently on the ground and lay still.

Harley reached out a hand to touch him, when Joker stirred, and opened his eyes. "Puddin'!" gasped Harley. "Oh, puddin', you're alive!" she cried, leaping into his arms.

"Yeah, but…I don't get it," he said, looking at his hands which were still bleached white. "I'm still a clown."

Harley beamed at him. "Oh, puddin', don't you see?" she whispered. "It _is_ you."

He looked at the adoration in her eyes and smiled. "Yep, that's me," he murmured. "I'm a psychopathic clown, and I'm all yours, baby."

Harley grinned, and then felt her heart beating faster as he touched her cheek. He tentatively brought his lips down to hers, and Harley couldn't wait any longer. She threw her arms around his neck, shoving her mouth onto his and kissing him.

"Well, it's all very well for them," muttered Crane. "Joker's stuck looking like that, but he's found love so it doesn't matter. What about the rest of us?"

"We'll find it," said Ivy, confidently. "By being exactly who we are."

Two-Face looked at her and then growled, "Aw, the hell with it!" He seized her around the waist, kissing her passionately, a kiss which Ivy eagerly returned.

Crane and Tetch looked at each other. "Don't even think about kissing me!" snapped Crane.

"I wasn't!" retorted Tetch. "The world is bigger than this asylum, you know! I'm sure we'll both find love out there if we try."

"And did they?" asked Arleen, hopefully, breaking in on the story. "Did they both find love?"

"Yes, they did, princess," said Joker. "It took them a little while, and maybe it wasn't quite what they expected, but they both found people who loved them for who they were. They just had to be patient."

"And Joker and Harley, they lived happily ever after, right?" asked Arleen.

"Of course they did, sweetness," agreed Joker. "They shared true love's kiss, and they lived happily ever after. That's the way these stories always work."

"For a moment there, Daddy, I was afraid you were really gonna kill your protagonist," said J.J. "Y'know, go the whole Game of Thrones route."

"…you're too young to know what that is," said Joker, slowly.

"That's it – I'm resetting the parental controls on the TV!" snapped Harley.

"I can get around those, no problem, Mommy," said J.J., shrugging. "Anyway, I watch it for the political intrigue, not the pornography."

"Yeah, just like people used to read Playboy for the articles and not for the nude models," agreed Joker. "Nobody bought that lie either."

"So what happened to Bruce and Dick?" asked J.J., changing the subject. "Did they go to jail, or did the Arkham inmates just kill 'em?"

"They went to jail," said Joker. "But Bruce was rich enough to buy them both a way out, so they didn't stay there long. Instead Bruce spent the rest of his life dressing up in a bat costume and fighting crime, and dragging Dick along with him. So they both ended unhappily."

"I still don't see Bruce Wayne as Bats, puddin'," said Harley. "That didn't work for me. But the rest of the story was great."

"What about Harley's Daddy?" asked Arleen. "Did he get to live happily ever after too?"

"Yes, he did, princess," said Joker. "He came to stay with the inmates in Arkham, leaving his cramped apartment and his terrible job forever. And Harley even got to go to college and earn her degree to be a doctor. So everything worked out for the best for them, as it always does for the good guys."

"Yep, and Harley even got the family she always wanted with her Clown Prince," said Harley, smiling. "They had two beautiful children called Arleen and J.J."

"So that's really how you and Mommy got together, huh?" asked J.J.

"More or less," said Joker, shrugging.

Arleen giggled. "I think it's really romantic and sweet, Daddy," she said. "You wrestled a crocodile for Mommy!"

"He's always doing things like that for me," said Harley, grinning at Joker. "Wrestling crocodiles, beating up Batman, cleaning out the garage…"

"God, you are such a nag!" snapped Joker. "Ain't it enough that I shield you from explosions?!"

"That you caused," retorted Harley. "And I'm allowed to nag you – I saved you with true love. You owe me, pal."

"It was a mutual thing, as I tried to illustrate, if you had even listened to me, Harley!" retorted Joker. "We saved each other!"

"We sure did, puddin'," murmured Harley, leaning forward to kiss him tenderly. "But that garage ain't gonna clean itself," she added, drawing away at last and smiling.

Joker growled, standing up. "Looks like storytime's over. Sorry, princess."

"It's ok, Daddy," said Arleen, turning back to the TV and cuddling her doll. "I'll just watch my movie again, and pretend it's you and Mommy."

"Yeah, some people get off easy," muttered Joker, heading out of the pillow fort. "Some of 'em just get cursed to be a beast for all time. Me, I got cursed with an annoying little brat who don't ever stop nagging."

"Yeah, and I got cursed with a clown-faced freak who prefers spending the day telling stories to his kiddies than doing any actual work," retorted Harley, following him out. "When I coulda married a billionaire!"

"Bruce Wayne would never put up with a little brat like you long term," retorted Joker. "Anyway, he's too busy being Batman."

Harley giggled. "Nice gag, puddin'. And nice story," she purred, kissing him. "The kiddies are the luckiest people in the world to have you as a Daddy. And so am I."

"And don't you forget it!" he snapped, storming off. "And all I ever get is crap, as if I ain't been through enough being cursed by an enchantress and stabbed by Bruce Wayne and brought back from the dead!"

Harley shook her head as Joker continued to rant to himself as he headed for the garage. "Of the two of us, he's definitely the beast," she said.

 **The End**


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